Hold on to my faith

I have struggled all my life. From the time I was a little girl, my life has been hard and many times unhappy. Although my life has been difficult, I always kept a smile when looking at someone. People I knew, as well as strangers, had no idea how sad my life was. When I was a teenager, all I kept saying was that I couldn't wait until I was 21 years old, because I knew my life would be better then it was as a teen. Then when I was in my early 20's, I couldn't wait until I was in my 30's, then 40's. My life has gotten better as the years went on but, I was still struggling and not really happy. Life has never been easy for me. I have always had to work at making my life a little better. Now I am in my 30's and I can't wait until I am 50 years old. I know my life will be a bit easier. It seems that every ten years my life did get a bit easier although I was still struggling. I came to believe that having to struggle was a way of life for me. And I really do hope that one day I will get what I wish for since ages, by the time, I am the most happiest person in this world. 

Today, I felt happy at the beginning day and feeling down right now. God, forgive me. 

xoxo

Subject drop!

What should I do? I dropped my subject just because I couldn't cope the beginning chapters. I totally cant catch up the syllabus on the subject. It's really tough for me. Argghh! Forgive me Lord. Give me strength and strong - mind. Permudahkan lah perjalanan hidup ku. I hasn't start even 1 assignment. Totally blur!! The course not even suit me at all. But I have no choice instead accepting it. God, bless me.I don't want get worse pointer for exam. I need to get myself pass for the exam. 

I wish that person can put back my strength in life. I need it the most right now. I couldn't make it myself alone. He is my savior since before. He's the only person who make me strong. I wish he is around right now when I am feeling down.

Ok back to revision!! Pushing myself!!

May God bless me.Amen.

xoxo

Today I forgive and forgiven

Lord Jesus Christ,
I ask today to forgive EVERYONE in my life. I know that You will give me the strength to forgive and I thank You that You love me more than I love myself and want my happiness more than I desire it for myself. Father, I forgive YOU for the times death has came into the family, hard times, financial difficulties, or what I though were punishments sent by You and people said, "It's God's will," and I become bitter and resentful toward You.

Purify my heart and mind today.
Lord, I forgive MYSELF for my sins, faults and failings, for all that is bad in myself or that I think is bad. I forgive myself; and I accept Your forgiveness. I further forgive MYSELF for taking Your name in vain, not worshipping You by attending church, for hurting others, for sins against purity, hurting my parent. Also, for abortion, lying, defrauding. You have forgiven me today, and I forgive myself. 

Thank You, Lord, for Your grace at this moment. I also forgive MYSELF. I reject all that superstition and choose You alone as my Lord and Savior. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit.

Lord, I truly forgive my MOTHER.
I forgive her for all the times she hurt me, she resented me, she was angry with me and for all the times she punished me. I forgive her for the times she preferred my brother to me. I forgive her to the times she told me I was dumb, ugly, stupid, the worst of the children or that I cost the family a lot of money. For the times she told me I was unwanted, an accident, a mistake or not what she expected, I forgive her.

Lord, I extend forgiveness to my BROTHERS and LOVE ONE. I forgive those who rejected me, lied about me, hated me, resented me, competed for my parent' love, those who hurt me, who physically harmed me. For those who were to severe on me, punished me or made my life unpleasant in any way. I do forgive them.

I forgive those of different religious DENOMINATIONS AND BELIEFS who have harassed me, attacked me, argued with me, forced their view on me.

Lord Jesus, I especially pray for the grace of forgiveness for the ONE PERSON in life who has HURT ME THE MOST.

I ask to forgive anyone who I consider my greatest enemy, the one who is the hardest to forgive or the one who I said I will never forgive.

Thank You, Jesus, that I am being freed of the evil of unforgiveness. Let Your Holy Spirit fill me with light and let every dark area of my mind be enlightened. AMEN.

Forgiveness

Forgive them ... Forgive of what had they did. Forgive me. Bless them for goodness. Touch their heart so that they will believe on you God. I must be patience with any temptations comes. I forgive and pray for what they says and did to me. I hope the day will come for them to regret and believe on God once again. Especially to Mom, forgive me. And I don't ask for more, just one thing... do understand your daughter. She's been hurt for so many years and please stop the pain. Let her decide on what she should. She's big enough for everything. Don't let her keep on repeating the mistake and doing the sin. She need her life. Life just once. Sacrificed herself; heart and soul, enough for now on. She couldn't bear it. She just a weak person. 

My prayer, may God bless and forgive them. Lead them to your heart God. Touch their heart to believe on you. Only you can change them. Forgive me. Amen...

The answer is in your hands

The answer is in your hands. It's all about the feeling of LOVE. The truth that never change since before. Since for the first time I known you. You know me much better than others. But you never know the real heart means by. The love was so strong before everything gone wrong. We did failed to grow the seed of love to be more strong. There is never prejudice, never lies, never hypocrite and no fake in my heart toward you. Just that you never see the true of my heart. The true of my concern and care, even love. There's miracle that very rare to be seen / get. Miracle does exist. I hope that you would find the answer for your question. As I always said, surrender yourself to God. Never give up on Him.

xoxo

Don't rely on me

Please don't rely on me anymore... 

I've seen a lot of things. Experienced so many things. Felt all every emotions. All of it's, I learned about life. It's miracle as I can seen and experienced such so many things. Doesn't matter of happiness or sadness. No matter from myself or others. The most precious moment in my most sweet memories was be with someone I love. Although it just for few years. I appreciate everything around me, everyone, belongings, etc which is related to me. Being so concern and humble too much makes me never give myself a chance to appreciate myself. Now I have the strength to stop what I should end since ages. It's like I've given a power to be strong to pull out the burden. I know it will effect everyone. For the sake of my life, I should.

Actually it's not all about me to blogging today. It's about other things happening. What is happening come with reasons itself. What the most thing I afraid now is too much sin. Remember God and praise Him, your prayer will be granted. Sometimes we didn't expect something would happen. Eg. although my family not so close to me, but I do love them. I love my mom & brother as they the only I have now. I don't burden them with my problems, that's much much better. As I know there's nothing they can do for me to resolves. 

I know what is happening with bro's relation recently. But I don't bother to interfere. I do let everyone who ever treat me immoral (tidak bagus) to feel the meaning of hurt and disappointed. It's not revenge. Not at all related. I let them face the problem by themselves. And by that chance they will learn and know what's mean by respectful. Don't run from own responsibilities. I eagerly to tell bro to surrender his heart to God and praise Him. But God, do I have the right to lead him although I myself still a weak person? I always pray for my family and for others too. Am I stupid God? Sacrifice for others while everybody never look deep inside my heart about how I feel and been humble. I do feel guilty not to be beside bro as a sister to comfort and give him moral support. But who I am to interfere? I know what is my level between them. I have no right to say anything or come out with any opinion. I hope he can bear it. Don't be like me. I am a weak person. I lost in love relation. I couldn't bear it. I am in love too much until the feeling hurting me so deeply. Love too strong to let go. It's my happiness that I have, the only and last in my life. But I pray hard for that. For peace in God to be in my heart too. I know how hurt it is. I've been through worse than that bro... Believe in Him and miracle does exist.. Miracle ...

xoxo

Mind puzzle

Play puzzle? Nahh.. it's nothing to do with play puzzle game. My mind get messy right after I get up from my bed. The first thing crossed in my mind was about the blood test result. I am so nervous and so impatient to know the result all about. I do feel afraid too. What if I really 'bloated'? Should or shouldn't I happy? I am totally don't know!! I still can predict to be ok if I really 'bloated' but not if the result show something that really couldn't be really good. I mean bad news which is connected to sickness, serious sickness. Oh God.. please stop the temptation. What I wish for is to have a wonderful life, smile and happy. Yea that's true I couldn't live without someone I love. Not that I couldn't live without man. Unless the person I really love. In reality world, I only love one person since before. Just that the person never realized how much I love him and always thought that I am someone without goodness (as what he said last few days). Yet we've been together for many years I still love him until today. If so I am 'bloated' cos of him, what should I do? How will I convince him that he's the one make me 'bloated'? Mind full of questions. But yet no exact answer for me. I have a lots of thing to think but the most miserable and painful is about relation. I am so amazed everyone who have wonderful relations without worries on their face. But why I couldn't be like them? I'd tried so hard to be the best for him, tried to be the most nicer to him, tried to be MYSELF to him. Yet he couldn't say that now. Where gone all those memories in his heart? Impossible he could forget every single memories we've been through together. It's really impossible. No logical there. What's the good of Indon's girl? Just be together for few months he already said they're married? Ridiculous! Doesn't make sense! We've been together more than 3 years what. I know they also a human. From what I've seen, hear and feel, I have no doubt there must be something wrong. I can smell there's something fishy. He don't even know about what actually happened to himself. I've tried so hard to convince him but yet he don't believe me. There's still existed spell games in this modern world. Don't take it nothing serious about that. I've seen a lot in my entire life. A lots of things ; scenario. Anything can be.. nothing is impossible. He can easily say there's no such thing. Of cos, becos he couldn't feel that. But everyone who can see through it, that's it. 

Honeyboo PK ~

Do let me hold your hand once again and put down your heart for being ego for awhile so that you can get your soul back. If you have sense to read this, talk to your heart and praise to the Lord. I am willing to guide you. 

But yet I still cant wait to get my blood test. Arghh!! That bothering me more right now. How weak I am now. Getting thin day by day. It's not of worms inside my stomach as what Honeyboo said. It wasn't. When will I get to know the result? Hmmm... Tomorrow? A week? Goshh! Faster nehhh... 

xoxo

It's Valentine's Day!

While people having there romantic moment out there, here I am at home blogging. My Valentine as I wish to have it to be a romantic moment, holding hand, hugging each other and starring at the stars on the sky (if got stars lah), listening to wave sound. Valentine's Day doesn't must to have grand candle light dinner or luxuries gift. But my Valentine aren't any of it mentioned. My Valentine's Day was different. I thought it would be meaningless but it wasn't. I having my half day with him. Yea.. him, who ruined my life. He were beside me today to accompany me for massage as my arm twisted. Sorry that I couldn't tell you the truth reason. As I know that you wont be able to go with me if tell you the truth reason. (You can ask straight away to my foster father if you do feel not comfortable in your heat and soul as he know how to see what actually happen to someone). I know that I shouldn't lie as every time I lied (very rare as I afraid feel guilty by lying), I will feel sin. I was shocked when he agreed to go with me today. What I've planned since few months ago (which is few months in 2010) for my 2011 Valentine's Day is just a trash. I've planned to bring him to the place where is our first date. And have some snacks or not so grand luxuries foods and gift, sitting there and have a bless Valentine's night. I don't want to have something as I know he don't really know about gift. LOL! What a outdated person he is but he still the best for me. Things for me is not important. As long as you are sincere enough to show your love to your couple. 

Half day away from town, we head ourselves to town at evening time. I drove him to his home and just like that. I've text him by saying I was very thankful for being beside me on Valentine's Day although it was not what I want it to be. After dropped him, I head myself back home. My phone rang and surprised when I saw it was his number on my phone screen. I wondering and curious what he might say on the phone. Then he talk and say something that shocked me. At least my Valentine's Day not that so meaningless mah. Although he still being harsh and not the real of him, I still love him. The feeling getting strong day by day. 

To honeyboo, Happy Valentine's Day. It was a wonderful moment for me. I really happy although it wasn't what I wish for. Muaxxx!~

xoxo

Valentine's Day

Morning everyone~

It's blessed Sunday. I got up early today. Eyes nowadays couldn't pamper myself to have long sleeping beauty in the morning. Sigh! I am hungry but there's no foods in the kitchen that can attract me to eat. Many things can eat just that I don't see any foods that I want to eat. I ate just a little since yesterday after went for blood test. Maybe still in nervous mode. Scare what .. I hate when anything related to blood or needles. Have to wait for 3 days more for blood result. Hopefully no bad news for me. No more temptation to me. 

When we think of Valentine's Day, we often think of red roses, candy in heart- shaped boxes, mushy valentines, and winged cherubs flying about shooting starry-eyed lovers with arrows. What I wanna blog here is about Valentine's Day. Tomorrow is 14th Feb, Valentine's Day. And here I am alone in Valentine's Day. Have no one to celebrate with. Nothing special for my Valentine's Day. I don't know why must it became like this. I have no idea. I've planned my 2011 calendar for sweet plans but its all ruined. Just because of a heart. I wish every wishes I wanted to be granted. But I know that is impossible for someone like me. I am nothing special. Anything I wish in my life never will success. Am I bad, God? I pray, I whisper to God, I surrender myself, but yet I still like this. I feel life is meaningless most of the time, since many years ago. No meaningful for me as no one really care about my feeling instead I being so humble to everyone. Maybe because its written to be like this. To have no one care and love me. 

What's does Valentine's Day mean to everyone? Do anyone know the meaning? For me, its the way we express our love to anyone we care and love. Not only to special one. I will never stop wishing to have miracle in my life. And my wish for Valentine's is ... to be beside someone that I love and adorable. The person know ... I have nothing special to celebrate the Valentine. But I wish to be beside someone I love and express my feeling toward him from my true heart. No one want living in miserable life. Everyone does wish to be happy everyday. 

Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be. Love doesn't grow on trees like apples in Eden - it's something you have to make. I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless time, in life after life, in age after age forever. The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love.Yet until today I live on with those memories of love. Love that will never fade. Although it does hurt me in personally, what else I should hope of? I have nothing else to hold instead all memories I have. You're the only hope in my life. To get me to the happiness. So that I will not falling down and crawling to get myself stand up. I rather let everything go as long as I happy with you. It's sorrow ... It's pain ...

xoxo

What does family mean to you?

Family, to me, are the people that care about you no matter what. Doesn't even matter if they are genetically related, if they love you and you love them back, that's family.

I love my family no matter how they treat me. But I do love myself the most priority (sometimes do hate myself). Although sometimes it does hurts. What I'm gonna say here is about FAMILY. My family. I don't know if it written to have this type of family or it's another temptation from God.

My family, especially brother, really a selfish person. Since ages. Aren't a family should help among each other?? Since before or I can say since school I handling my own things, matter or even my own problems. I will only refer to dad whenever I have problem or need some ideas & opinion. I help people more than I help myself. I ever be a guidance when he caught by teacher for some problems in school. I have to be a liar by saying my parents is not in town. It's just a small matter for me to cover him. Just that I felt guilty be a liar. But the most scary moment in my life (about my brother) when bro trying to harm mom using a knife. I don't really remember what the cause of the incident happened. I brave myself to persuade bro to calm down and give me the knife. I don't know what make he act that way but I understood one thing from the incident. What will happen to mom if I wasn't there? Bro being aggressive when he was in school as he mixed with those immoral friends. Ok back to the story.. at the end I managed to persuaded him to put down the knife and drive him out from home to calm him down. And I did talk heart to heart and ask what does make he be that way. There I have strong mind to be the main character as a sister by motivate him. And now I proud that he didn't choose the wrong path, although he is not helpful type. I always pray for them. For the better life they will have in the future. 

What does family mean to you? 

Now everything changed. People do changed. Whenever I ask for help, I know I will never get successful answer. I don't know why so hard for them to lend their hand to me whilst I never be unfair. And would try harder to full fill their request. I just don't understand why. Sometimes ... well always, I wanted to get out from that house and apart from them for a while and let them feel how it feel without me around. Bro more concern on other people instead being helpful to his own sibling. I always asking myself with the same question, who I am in their heart?

How does it feel? It's really sad, hurt, when you need help or need someone beside you but there's wasn't anyone. Now then I have no one. No one to care about my feeling, my life. Everybody seems far away from me. I am nothing...

 

xoxo

What's the best thing in your life?

Smile~

The best part God's gift. I smile from deep inside my heart when I hold my beloved dad's hand. I smile in my heart when I listen to him. I smile when he taught me about everything. Even thou, now I smiling for him~ for what he'd gave me. Bapa, ajarku mengerti sebuah kasih yang tak pernah berhenti. 

I smile for everyone. I giving my smile for everybody. The meaningful of smile that can lead me for goodness. One of my precious thing in my life, smile. Betapa aku menyedari kasih itu satu penghargaan dan kasih yang selalu memberi bagaikan emas yang murni. Hold my hand with a smile from my heart. I found myself on the beach again. As I had been doing all along, I found myself alternately laughing, screaming, crying, shaking, flailing my arms and perspiring. The joy was so intense, I felt as if I could touch it. A smile will light on every dark path we through. Where only the pure-heart can go. 

The source of happiness.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. As I was reflecting on these wonderful things, I realized I was truly happy for the first time in my life. I had found my purpose and my completion in Him. And He was altogether lovely to me. Though my confidence and my faith were growing, I still respond meekly to the lord's words. Engkaulah kekuatan ku, kemuliaan ku, kau segalanya. Engkau permata yang terindah, tak kan ku lepaskan... I smile...

My LOVE is pure...

  My LOVE is sincere...

    My LOVE is just worthy for someone. The love is forever until my last breathe. Yet until today Lord make my heart stronger to light the lamp for you. Hold my hand with smile and walk together with me to the Lord's home. With smile, I surrender my soul to Lord for the love we ever built. With smile, empty your heart and hold my hand ... sincerity from the tiny heart of mine.

My wish with a smile ~

xoxo

Sentuh Hati ku

Betapa kumencintaiMU
Segala yang t'lah terjadi
Tak pernah sendiri jalani hidup ini
Selalu Menyertai

Betapa kumenyadari
Di dalam hidupku ini
KAU selalu memberi rancangan terbaik
Oleh karena kasih

Reff :
BAPA, sentuh hatiku, ubah hidupku
Menjadi yang baru
Bagai emas yang murni
Kau membentuk bejana hatiku

BAPA, ajarku mengerti
Sebuah kasih yang selalu memberi
Bagai air mengalir yang tiada pernah berhenti

Random

Tired day today as its Monday! Yawned whole day like I don't get enough sleep but its true that I couldn't sleep well last night. Maybe too tired from long journey I had last week. The holiday was great although exhausted and it's been long time didn't met everyone. So the energy haven't recover back. What a lazy Monday I've gone through today. Looks like everyone doesn't in the mood to work in the office today. Everybody still CNY mode ler.. What a tired day.. Daytime working and classes nightime to attend. More energy to contribute.. I was shocked when my lecturer announced the midterm exam will be held on few weeks coming! Oh God! I have no idea if I can make it. I haven't catch up the 2 beginner chapter that I missed. Now heard the midterm exam just around the corner. *fainted* I straight away patah semangat right after the lecturer mentioned about it. It's different now, I have no one I can lend for shoulder. It's not the same as before when I patah semangat, I will look for my lao gong. But not anymore. Everything changed. While I almost 'fall down from the strength' I really wanted to text him and share about what I've been through. But who I am in his heart right now? Just a stranger. I just afraid I couldn't complete what I should within this 2 years. Without him around I have no different with bird patah sayap. I couldn't fly my wing freely. 

Valentine's Day is near. For those who is happy, will celebrate their joyful on that day. While I, don't know. Maybe just stay at home, celebrate nothing for Valentine's Day with sad mode. Flash back previous Valentine's Day was fall on CNY festival. It's so sad that I have to leave my loved one on Valentine's Day when I away for business purpose. But I forced (some sort of lah) him to come over to Btu just to have happy moment with him. I don't even care about other things although I not feeling well by that time, just only want him beside me as I really need his care and warmness. And yes he did came down to Btu. He's my lao gong. I thought that he will be the one for me and I did promised to myself that next year (meaning this year 2011) I will be his de. Well, semua nya hancur dalam sekelip mata! Siapa lah aku kalau nak di banding dengan cewek baru nya itu. Aku bukan siapa siapa bagi nya. I wish I could turn back time to the very first moment I touch about love chapter in my life. How wonderful if the person would be him and the last for me. I am sorry that I have no ability to delete the ring in my heart. The ring in my heart will forever with me. My heart cried when I took out the ring and you thrown it inside dustbin. The heart bleeding again without you understand and feel it. All this while I living with all memories we had, I still alive and will die together with all the memories. This is how I loved. It's all about LOVE ...

xoxo

I decided to stop being weak

I've seen something interesting. It's about a girl who have courage and strong strength about life. She's just about 10 years but she have ability to help whom needs help. She's struggling for living by her own. Although she know that her family not as rich as her other friends. But then she know her mother's feeling about what they're going through right now. She know everything changed after what had happened to the economy crisis. But she never give up easily. It's about how hard and easy life we have in this world. We've been through a lots of scenario and temptation. By the end, the hope, courage and dreams had come trues. She get what she inspired for so long.

What I wana share here is about what we should thankful about our life. Life completely complicated. Some people live for luxuries and others live for living. The article once again given me a strength to go on with my life. Its learn how we should more thankful for everything that we have and going  to have in the future. No matter how rich we are its couldn't guarantee for the happiness. It's only can lead us into temptation. I would share the article with all of you. I remember once, not too very long ago, when my invented self was becoming unnecessarily weak. My coach could see it and I couldn't. My close friend has a tendency to go nonlinear on me when I'm deliberately picturing myself as weak and limited by who I am. I am convinced that one of the most helpful things we can do for people is to refuse to buy into their in-appropriately restricted views of their limitations. I do have to say who I am. And by having the courage to say who I am, I will simultaneously create who I am. We 'sentence' ourselves to the lives we get by who we say we are. 

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve.

I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey ...
I asked for health, that I might do great things.
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things ...
I asked for riches, that I might be happy.
I was given poverty, that I might be wise ...
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God ...
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things ...
I got nothing I asked for - but everything I had hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

xoxo

Engkaulah Segalanya ; You Are My All in All

Engkaulah kekuatanku
Engkaulah kemuliaanku
Engkaulah s'galanya

Engkau permata yang indah
Tak Kan Pernah ku lepaskan
Engkaulah s'galanya

Reff :
Yesus domba Allah mulia namaMu
Yesus domba Allah mulia namaMu

Kau hapus s'gala dosaku
S'gala cela dan malu ku
Engkaulah s'galanya

Saat jatuh Kau angkatku
Saat haus Kau p'nuhiku
Engkaulah s'galanya

-------------------------------------------

You are my strenght when i am weak
You are the treasure that i seek
You are my all in all

Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up, i had be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again, i bless Your name
You are my all in all

When i fall down
You pick me up
When i am dry
You fill my cup
You are my all in all.

Jesus Christ Love Me ~

xoxo

Lead us not into temptation

What a lovely New Year Chinese eve day today. Once again I will be away very the soonnnnn ~~ Thou I feeling nervous but I have to put effort on it. Away some times is good. I can focus more on my life, indeed. Although I never travel alone. Sorry guys I couldn't make it to your house for Chinese New Year festival. Might be some other time, next year for sure. I'm sure I can stand up once again and I know that I am strong enough to mend. I can feel God hold my hand tight. I can feel He guiding me and leading me to the peaceful mind and soul. Prayer may not change things for you, but it for sure changes you for things that worth and for goodness. May God bless me and everybody in this world. For those who need You will be bless with both of Your hand.

It's was a wonderful time I had with him yesterday. That's the first time since so long in this year I felt very calm to see his face, might be for the last time I hold him so tight. If God willing to guide both of us to the right path, I'd thanks to Him so much. Life is just about goodness. By right nothing is impossible. Hope that he can be bless and cure himself. Just surrender your body and soul to Him. He will pleasure to lead you with your sincerity heart. Give yourself another chance to be with Him. By the end every one of us ONLY will go through Him. We can't skip the God path no matter what. Remember that He created us. It's how I calm myself whenever I have problem and doesn't feel good. I talk to Him and hold my faith and pray. And yes I did it although I still weak in certain things. We couldn't be perfect but its please to struggle for better life. I know I've been away from the correct path and now I would deliver myself to God. We just a human being. We can't be like Him. May God bless you ~

And mayest Thou not lead us to temptation, but deliver us from the evil, because Thine is the reign, and the power, and the glory -- to the ages. Amen.