Non of it did make me happy...

It's been a month I didn't show up myself at home. Run away? Nah.. that's not call run away. I have strength to change my life. I did managed to pull out myself from a cage. Been through hard life since 7 years ago. Now I have encourage to fight for my own right. Be with temper type of person is just like sending yourself to graveyard. I know I made wrong decision when it become serious relationship. How painful and hard he did to me, I still have feeling of love does make me hard to let go. When I love someone, I'll love that person from bottom of my heart. I've been homeless. Suppose I get a house for rent but if I myself doesn't have enough cash in hand, I only can sit and see how's my life will go on. I let go everything and go to someone I love now. I thought everything will goes smooth. But it isn't. My life more and more become more hard and miserable. I just don't know what to say and have no idea to do. My Bear promised me to give a better life right after I get away from them. I can say non of those promises successful. Yet I am still like an orphan (anak yatim piatu). A man that beria ria want to be with me after this, getting hard to predict.

I hate when someone lied to me. It happened when Bear said he with his father go to their hometown. But actually he is not!! I was so so so disappointed. Nothing can compare to how hurt and disappointed I am by that time. He changed bit to bit. I felt he doesn't put his love fully onto me. He cares more his friends instead follow my opinion. He more concern on his friends compare to my problem. I am so pity. I don't get my happiness until today. I pray to God to show a bright path to lead Bear to be a person whom know his responsibilities toward his woman. Not only by words. I just need a man that know how to take care inner and outer of me. Not just get benefit for your own needs. I am so tired to jaga hati everyone. I pain and hurt without anyone know. I cried more than I smile. I sleepless. I have not enough rest. Think too much about my life. Be together with someone doesn't mean can guarantee a better life in future. I wonder and questions myself, can I trust him once again??

My patience have limit.

xoxo

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If you can make your girl laugh, you can make her beauty at the most...

For the beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.

I born with special birth mark on my cheek. Red cherish color. It's pretty good for my parents as they can accepted me as their daughter thou they know I have birth mark on my face. I am thankful to God that I still look cute and pretty in different angle. Yeah. I should proud of myself that I don't have any other disablement on my body. Growing up with this kind of speciality isn't something that easy to face. I've been through hard time where everyone look and stare at me like I am an alien. My beloved father ever tried to rid off it when he introduced one type of medicine by his friend. But my young skin couldn't accept the effect from the medicine. I felt painful and felt the fire burning my skin. So father didn't continue with he medicine. I still remember what he did said to me.. 'You don't have plastic surgery to look pretty. Beauty come from inside; pure heart not from outlook. You are the only one of my special daughter and you are beautiful in my eyes, indeed.' In my next life I wish to have a kind and gentleman as my father. He know how to be a man, to protect his woman and his family. Ok back to the main course. Being age of 25 years old every year is the special part of my life. I admit I do look young from my actual age. Guess a lot of people been tricked from my outlook. People always asking me what do I take for my young skin. I told them I didn't take any supplements or what ever jamu. But not anymore... now I am having skin problem. Pimples and congested skin appeared. It started because of sleepless, restless and stressful. Some more I always exposed myself to the sun. My work make me to do so. I miss my pretty and smooth skin. Mom especially, bubbling non stop almost everyday about my face. It's not what I wanted ler. How ler? Tak kan botox pula. I love nature view okay.

I've been used a lot of facial stuffs and attended beauty session for my poor skin. But I don't see any improvement on it. Finally I use natural ways, I clean up my face with lime and use it as my mask. Not to forget alovera is a good plant for mask. At the same time, I starting taking collagen too. Now my face getting better and hope it will bring back my smooth skin. Nothing is free in this world. Taking collagen not cheap thou but for beauty, I struggling to have it. I know that I am not pretty and beauty as other women out there. But I also wanted to be one of those pretty look. God bless me. *Finger cross*

xoxo

Hidup tak selalu nya menjanjikan kebahagiaan

Aku ingin engkau selalu hadir dan temaniku. Di setiap langkah yang mengyakiniku. Setiap hari ku tunggu dengan penuh kesabaran akan kepulangan mu. Tiada sedetik pun diri mu aku lupai. Kerna bagi ku kau adalah penyuluh hidup ku. 

Tapi kini... ku persoalkan diriku.. Adakah dirimu seperti apa yang ku rasakan? Ingatkah dirimu terhadap ku setiap waktu? Mungkin bagi mu kerinduan itu hanya di saat dirimu jauh nun di sana tapi tidak bila di kau pulang. 

Yes aku rasa diri ini di pinggirkan bila saat aku struggling about my problem while you can enjoying your day with your friends and drinks. I just wondering kalo kau terfikir untuk bertemu dengan ku dahulu atau sebalik nya. Aku terasa tersisih. Hanya Tuhan mengerti akan perasaan ku di saat ini. 

..........

xoxo

Kau Yang Ku Sayang Ost Aku Terima Nikahnya

My future, My life

Do you believe in miracle? Don't you? I do. Miracle does happened. And that make me become more stronger, to go through my life. Today I wana share about my plan, my future and my life. This three things will be my new 2013 aims. Who doesn't have plans for their own future? Everyone does. Less than 2 months to the end of year 2012. Time flies fast. Couldn't make it slow but to move on for living. Year 2012, being good to me but not as good as my expectations.

It's time for me to think about myself, my own life. I've been so good and so kind to everyone around me, especially to those I loves and cares; my family. This is the time everyone should learn to handle everything by themselves. If I can be more than them, why not themselves? We talk about MY RIGHT. My own life. I do have my right in my own life. I am the one should think and decide what and when I should move on to the next step of my chapter. I am 30s and I am no longer small kid or teenager. I have to think about my future. The future that I've been searching for.

My plan, I will completed my study some where in April next year. I am so glad that I finally can finish my studies. It was a miracle. Why I say so? Since my age of 20s I've been studied and attended University and colleges. But I didn't completed my study and its ended up half way. Guess I should say it my unlucky. Not to mention the places I ever went to further my study. Past is past. Now left one more semester then I am freedom from my Diploma. Geez. Get my Dip at the age of 30s. Do I look like I care? Nahh...age isn't an issue to get knowledge. I have my plan to find a job in KL. Some where in KL lah. The plan was planned since many years ago. When the time I wanna pull out myself from the hard time I've been through. Now then with my Diploma cert, at least, I can find a job in other places. I was thought if I really get an offer over that side, a lot of things need to be prepare. I pray my this time planning will goes smooth. That's the only opportunity I can see at the moment. What's the point I struggling so hard for my study if I doesn't use my knowledge for good.

My future, this is important for me. I want to be a successful person, no matter in what and which field I involve with. Of course I want my own family in future. Just an ordinary family; a husband, children, and me. A responsibility husband, who willing to go through easy and hard path with me. A husband who do care about me and my children. A husband who is really a husband and be a protector to our family. I'm not a type who can duduk diam without doing nothing. With my capabilities and skills, I bet I can do a lot of things and come out with many ideas.

My life, I don't demand for a lot of things. What I wish to have is happiness. I wish to live in happy life, complete with colorful and cheering life. I pray to God to grant me a better life and let me out from my miserable life. I have living with such hard time and I wish I'll found my soulmate. Nothing else I can say other than this. Its time for me to move on and don't look back again. For my future, my life.

xoxo

My big day!

Graduation day just passed. Thanks to God, thanks to my family, friends and especially my Gummy bear for their moral support this while. Finally I've been through my another part of my dreams. If were my dad still alive, he's the most happiest person by watching his daughter walk up to the stage to received the certificate. But what can I do is just to tell him that I was so proud to be his the only daughter. I did it daddy. At last I wore the robe on my graduation day. Thanks dad. You're my inspiration. You are my idol. I will end my studies by next year. Left few months to go. I haven' decide either to further for my Bachelor in future. It's all about money and time. Bachelor course not cheap thou. But I do wish if I can complete my studies until Bachelor certificate. 

Anyway, to my Gummy Bear, thank you so much for the graduation gift. It such a nice gift. I loike. He make surprise for that. Better than a flower. It sentimental value. I can wear and see the gift for long period. Thanks once again. I do appreciate it and make me love you more and more!!

I better stop right here, now. I having hard time from backache. Couldn't move freely. Will come again for new post. 

xoxo

Nothing much difference

Blogspot.com will always be my best friend, my diaries, my stories. It full of emotions. Either happy, sad or horrible stories of me. A month to go to Christmas season. Then following New Year eve. What's your plan guys? Anyone plans for holiday? Or get married on end of the year? Or just stick yourself at home? My end year celebration may be once again spoil. May be. I though this time Gummy Bear welcome back will be great. But I guess it wont be as what I might think it would be. He got wedding invitation some where in Sibu. There it goes.. not successful great moment to be with him. Ok..I don't feel upset. As I thought I will go with him. Plan changed again. He said, its not convenient for me to follow as I'm not familiar with the situation. He afraid I beh tahan jalan jauh and afraid that I fall sick at people place. Hello~ I've been travel quiet often. It's not gonna be a problem to me.

My graduation just around the corner. Another sad moment to me. How I wish daddy were here to see me. (I am crying by the time I'm typing) How pity I am. Year 2012 a year of sadness to me. 

Sorry guys.. I gotta stop here. Couldn't type more as tears non stop. Mind mess up. 

xoxo

Pray for better hope...

Hurricane Sandy or some people called it Sandy typhoon has been attacked violently in Miri town last 2 days ago. It happened in afternoon and took only half and hour to ruined / damaged several houses, trees and building roof. Non hurt, thanks God. God bless everyone. This is the huge damaged happened in Sarawak. The worse country damaged by hurricane last few days was in New York. It brought huge impact  damaged to New York. I was lucky on that day. It happened right after I came back from my lunch break. I guess everyone in the office didn't know or notice about what is happening out there. Yes I wouldn't know what happen at outside. I only know the news from Facebook. Well, Facebook the fastest multimedia compare to News. A lot of weird things happened recently. Is it sign of Dormday? People talks about Dormdays will happen in December, 23rd and 24th December. Which mean next month. Do you believe? If it true, what will you do? 

All Souls Day.

Anyone know what's All Souls Day about? For Christian Fellow, they know what mean by All Souls Day. All Souls Day or All Saints Day, on Nov 2, have been celebrated for centuries. On All Souls Day, the faithful attend church t remember the saints. On All Souls Day, also known as Day of Remembrance or Day of the Dead, people will go to graves of loved ones and burn specially decorated candles to help the departed souls find their way to everlasting light. 

This is my 2nd years missed to visit Dad's grave as Nov 2, fallen on working day. That's not the main reason, this year, my family decided to have a visit early to the graveyard. They have something else to do today. They're out of town. Brother tagged me the photos of Dad's 'palace' in Facebook and it does make me tears. I miss my dad. I am so sorry dad that I wasn't there to visit you. I pray for you to rest in peace up there. We do love you and miss you so much here. I will never forget you. You will forever be my father and  will remain in my heart. 

Dad, if you could see me, bless me. You know me so well. I couldn't regret more for the mistake I made. But with your bless, I would feel my happiness, someday. I've found someone who love me as who I am. Someone that know how to appreciate me thou sometimes he doesn't realized it without I tell / hint him. Yes I know they're not women but men supposed to learn more alert on women feeling. 

I pray to God, please forgive me. I just want to be happy with someone that love me as I do. God bless me. Amen.

xoxo

My stories for the day

I went to salon this evening and trimmed my hair as my Gummy Bear would love to see I'm with short hair. So I walked in to the salon and ought to cut my hair short as usual but I've changed my mind and just go for trim. Well nothing much different with the hair. Too sad that my hair style will end her job in the middle of December and by then I have to find another professional hair style. Oh gosh! I thought this would be the last  hair style I stick with. I am very fussy with my hair especially when it come to hair cutter / style as I know not all hair cutter / style can give the satisfaction to me. Hair is a crown for every women okayy~

My birthday just passed few days ago. Non stop belated birthday lunch treat. Life so good to enjoy uh. And I did received some gifts from my family, cousin, and friends. And for myself, I won lottery! What? Surprise that I play lottery? Sometimes. Not as a addict. But might God did listened to my wishes on my birth day. I bought RM1 only for my own car registration number. I didn't expect that I can won 2nd place. Well, at least I won a thousand. I do hope I can settle off my debts so there will be less burden. My plans to have my own business and my own house still go on. I wanna be a successful person with my capability. I don't want to be a slave/ employee until my pension day. No! I just doesn't want to go through with the same thing every year. I wish for something or anything that I can be proud of. Such as, new life of me, new chapter, a happy life, happiness. I have my dreams and I never burn out my dreams! God, may my dreams comes true. Amen. 

Halloween just around the corner. And I am watching Fox movie Halloween. I never celebrate Halloween as I don't really like any event involve with Halloween. First I don't know what character and custom I would be. Second, I kinda not comfortable with the environment. Third I don't feel it secure event that I should involve with. Yea anything could be happen..you will cannot recognize some people with different customs (too much watching scary movie..LOL). The forth, no one ever invite me. That much better. I am not interested into it. 

I miss my Gummy Bear at the moment. Wonder where he is right now and how is he. I am so worry about him. I hope he can take care of himself and back home safely in piece. I love him more than I do and no word can express how much I love and miss him here. God bless my Gummy Bear. 

It's so darn late and it's time for bed. Night and morning fellas~ Hope I can dream of my Gummy Bear tonight. Sleep tight~

xoxo

Back To December~

Happy Birthday to Me!~

Make a wish. Blow a cake. Common thing to do when it come to birth day. My this year birthday aren't what I expected and what had I planned. I was thought my Gummy Bear were around on my born day. But his job which doesn't fix demob and mob always make the planned ruined. Sigh! Once again I am disappointed. Cancelled the actual plans; stay at Meritz Hotel, swim in the hotel pool, karaoke session, buffet lunch and dinner. Non of it successful. *Broken-hearted* 

At least this year I got some gifts for my birthday, lunch threat, and dinner threat. My best buddy tried her best to celebrate my birthday last night thou its only 4 of us. She's the best buddy ever. She understand me more than my own family. What a pitiful birthday girl I am. Too much heartache make me doesn't feel anything when it come to disappointment. Am I that bored in front everybody? Might be. I've changed a lot since this few years. I don't involved myself with clubs activities anymore. I don't into alcoholic. I don't into party or lepaking. My routine getting boring day to day. Work from morning to evening, attend college, back home, online, whatsapp with Gummy Bear if he connected to network, then sleep. The same thing repeating day to day. Sien ar! My life so darn boring! I can't go travel, can't shop until drop, can't eat nice meals, can't use nice gadgets. This year air ticket to KL burned just like that. So sayang. Why? Because Gummy Bear did planned to go together so I did cancelled my ticket and hoped that I can go with him. But darn! I wasn't in the plane! Arggghhh!! Guess my Gummy Bear doesn't really know how to taking care his own love relationship. Must be that the reason why his ex leave him? Tak kan gue mau ajar setiap kali ada yang tak kena. Some more I don't have the right to say much when it come to his decision making in matter than involved about his life. Do I have right to advice you? Will you follow what I say? (Gummy bear, if you have chance to read my blog, don't get upset on what I mentioned in my blog as I say what my heart and mind say. Learn from the mistake. Cheers)

Oh my! What a life! I am getting older year to year yet my financial still unstable. I don't see any better way in front. My college fees still left a lot need to settle up. I couldn't get my 'toilet paper' if I don't get to settle the balance. How I wish I can live much better than now. Else better hang myself up. 

I suddenly miss my dad. My life wont be so difficult if dad still around. He will give moral support and an advice whenever I am in difficult moment. I miss his taught. He never forget once my born day. Thou he couldn't give what I want (sometimes I request for something that he cant afford to buy), he will get me something else. Daddy, I miss you so much~ *tearing*

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me. Hoping for better day tomorrow. Next year birthday gift for myself, I WANNA GO TRAVEL! I don't care what will happen, I must go for travel. I don't want another year of disappointment! Its so much hurt, deeply.

xoxo

Life so complicated yet to be...

Heavy rain and thunder storm here in Miri. Nice cold weather for nice sleep. 

What a day I've faced today. Got pretty ugly bruise on my leg. Knocked down because of the dustbin. Great! It not supposed to be place there. I fell down right on the end of my cabinet and table. I was cried painful. Sakit banget! I still can feel the pain. But I am a strong lady. Yeah.. very strong until can cry uh. Until kena scolded by Gummy Bear. Thought wana manja with him but kena scolded pula. :'( Seems I purposely  make myself hurt. I have no one to manja with here. Tak kan nak manja with other guy pula or manja with Noodle. Unless Noodle know how to talk to me. That sound creepy. Hurm. Starting from the incident, I am so unlucky today. Sudah jatuh di timpa tangga. 

Oh my~~ I was so broken-hearted today. Everything ruined as what had planned. I was hoped for something that promised by today. But the person didn't make it until I text her either she come or not. I waited her for so long just to get my pay. Yet she didn't call or text me by inform me that she will not come. I hate waiting. Sudah lah earlier she ruined the plan, now then she didn't show up to pass me the money. I text her like I am a beggar for my own money. I know she lied me and give me so much excuses. But then yet until today I still don't take it seriously. As I know she's still young. Immature girl. But seriously I hate when someone make promised and then end up break the promised. I hate it when I found out the truth about someone. Because that may end up any relationship between. I am so kind hearted person when it come to friendship or in any relationship. But once you cheat/ back stab/ or even lie me, don't think I will forget that. I accept an apologize but the trust will never be the same. To the person, there will be no more another chances for you to play the tricks on our friendship. I can act like nothing happened. But it will be different view of friendship it be. You should respect and appreciate our friendship. Not taking advantage on that.

I updated my status on Facebook. I was pointed it to one of my friend. But my Gummy Bear was terasa pula. He thought that I might point the status posted to him. LOL. Funny of him. Why? He did something wrong behind me kah? Else he wont say such thing right? I don't get curious before he mentioned about that. But I started curious right after he talk about it. Should I feel suspicious? Or do I have the right to distrust? Well, I am a woman okay. The feeling of suspicious always there. I've given fully trust to my man. So I hope he keep that neatly. I don't mind what he wanna do. As long as both of us know where the limit should be. I love him so much. I appreciate him so much. I respect him. Anything I wanna do or did, I always come to him first for some ideas or opinion. As for me, open mind needed in relationship. Women cant get away from being jealousy. That showing we sayang our love one. Sometimes I felt I have over the limit to say so much when it come to give an advice or opinion. Not that I don't want, but I know that I have no right to say much on making decision. Yet I am not his legal-wife. I am just a girlfriend. I know my level. And I know also that he might wont use any of my opinion. I only can give an advice but the decision still be made by himself. Unless with his fully authorized then I can step on another level of one of his important person in life. Am I? Should I? Could I? Only he know the answer. 

Btw, I did received my advance birthday gift given from one of my colleague. Thanks for that. It so lovely. 

xoxo

Blood sucker (worse than vampire)

What a boring night. Here I am again, sitting in front of my lappy, blogging. I have a lot to blog but kinda lazy to do my typing. Typing with my eyes watering. Tiring looking at the screen for long hours. Poor eyes. Your master forcing you to staring at the screen for the whole day and now continuing it to do her own things. Sigh. 

Today's work kinda so-so. I have few bundles of documents I need to post in the system. Done with 2 bundles and left 2 more to go. Make it slow as I will sitting on my place waiting for some miracle appear. (what the hell 'm bubbling here) Other than sitting and dreaming, I will doze myself on my table. (zzz..) I don't like too free as I couldn't stop from chew anything. I cannot be so free else I might catch stress. So when I'm stress, I will hungry and keep on eating. Or I might end up spending. 

The main course of this article is about one of my friend, Jason. He came to text me today and expressed his feeling about his problem. Jason staying with his friends. Four (4) of them renting a house. So make it short, Jason the only person working while the rest just staying at home as a full time student. Jason always complaint about his house mate to me. How their attitude, character, and behaviour. Jason did the house cleaning, laundry, prepare for the meal, etc. While the rest goyang kaki. He don't mind at the first place as Jason need them for transportation to college and workplace. Since few weeks working, his house mate come out with new statement. His house mate asking for RM500 monthly for fuel and driver's allowance for sending him to college and workplace. I was 'what??' RM500??' I even drive a car from my home to my workplace then to my college. That was like from north to south. And I only spend less than RM500 for fuel a month. What a blood sucker his friend.Jason need to pay for rent and meals everyday. If he need to pay for RM500 to his house mate every month, then it's no different than working his ass for nothing! I was so damn pissed off right after what he told me. Don't let me see them in college tomorrow. Else there will be a war! I don't give a damn! I hate vandalism same goes bully-torture. Suka2 ajer nak minta RM500. Coba gak kerja cabut bulu ayam.. dapat ke tak RM500 tu? RM500 divide into half, RM200 for fuel and another RM300 for driver's fee. Great. So after this try get yourself RM500. Work for it. Because Jason working for himself! 

*Having durian at this hour!*  Chill~~

xoxo

Another day ahead

Sleepy eyes after I had my heavy bfast. My eyes going to shut down at any soon. Thats the bad habit when you take heavy bfast then just sit down with nothing to do, only waiting your food to digest. Mana tidak buncit weiii.. plus the cold temperature making the feeling to sleep is getting worst. *yawning* 

The new unit of aircon just installed yesterday. The banglas make the room so dusty after they make a hole on the wall. What a lousy service and job they did. My dinding no more handsome. =.= My lady boss kept on saying 'no complain cold oh after this.' to me for several of times. She sound like I ni sakai sangat tak pernah pakai aircon. So what? I prefer cold instead hot. Some more employee deserve better appreciation. Isn't it supposed? Well as you all know what type of person I am when it come to this kind of situation, I answer her 'I get used to cold. Shouldn't no problem as I hate hot.' LOL! She out of idea right after that. Rasa engkau. Sapa suruh asyik nak cakap benda yang sama ajer. Ingat aku ni kayu ker tak pandai jawab. I can see everyone so kepoh asking how nice I have new aircond. Duhhh...it just an aircond lah..what so good ler? Not like I can bring it back home and install it at my bed room. I can see the police woman look not happy. Another disaster. Bila lah I can replace that police woman position. She's not good in her profession. Not as professional as the position she's holding. She just love to dig out people mistake. Shout out loud with her 'garau' voice. Euuwww~~langsung tiada kewanitaan betul. If I am a man, I have no feel by looking at her. I've received a call from company panel doctor, I was blur as I don't know what the person on the other phone talking about. As I know I don't in charge of what so ever about company's medication thiny thing. There you are Miss andartu, you did wrong. Aren't you are so proud that you will never did wrong in doing your tasks? Come on..put down your position and you should retire or change your profession as you're not good in doin HR. Itu lah jangan pandang orang sebelah mata. 

Alrite..until here for today. Wanna buzzing awhile~~

xoxo

Ting ting ting~

Few days to my born day. Turn a year older again. As usual, I'll pamper myself by doing what I wanted to do for the day. Every year the same, celebrate my day either with family or with my close friends. Very rare to have chance to celebrate my day with someone I luv. Well, I get used with it. Get use being alone. This year birthday plans supposed to be great as planned. But..everything ruined. It's ok. That's not important thou. 

Every year, on my birthday, I always hope that my family know how to show their love toward me by celebrate my day with joyful. I don't ask for more.. at least treat me with simple meals or what ever it takes. Sound I demand pula. LOL. Nah.. just saying what I felt every year on my birthday. But then, at least there are still a lot of people remembered my birthday. Yeah.. from Facebook birthday calendar. Hehehe. Sigh.. what a pitiful birthday I am gonna have this year. 

I thought this year will be different than previous year. My gummy bear not around by that time. Hurm.. guess I'll celebrate with my best buddy again this year. 

xoxo

A woman married to the stingiest man in the world

I've been told about this story from one of my best buddy. A woman, working person, married to a man and the husband is the most stingiest man in the world. She's been married to this man for about 2 years. Every time the wife go for holiday, she ask for holiday pocket money from the husband. The husband only gave RM200 if the wife go holiday to KL. And only RM50 if the wife go to Kuching. The same thing happened every time the wife go for holiday. So one day the wife asking the husband why the husband give only RM50 for the pocket money. The husband just answered the wife, why must he need to give more pocket money while the wife is working?  The wife get frustrated and fade up with the husband, one day, she disappeared without no trace, resigned from her work, move out silently from her parents house. The husband made police report and advertised about his disappeared wife in newspaper. Not long after that, the husband received a divorce paper which is signed by the wife. 

Now then the woman live happily without stressful living under the same roof with stingy man. I would do the same thing too. I've been attached for almost 8 years and I can say I am not happy as what people seen. I don't have the courage to do such thing before. But now things different. I've changed. I become more aggressive and more mature in how to handle problems. Life just once. If I don't take the chance, it wont be the same again. 

What had happened from the past 7 years learned me a lot. I've been through traumatic life ever and that's more than enough to make a person gone insane. I have right for my own life thou attached. I've talk to myself a lot this few years. Been asking myself what will I do for my future life? How long do I stand by living this way? Money aren't the solution for happiness but without happiness the relationship wont go far. It's all about feeling. About dignity, satisfaction. I am not happy. I have sacrificed too much for everyone. I should think about my own satisfaction. Not because I flirt, people have their own reason about how they conduct their own life. I can't judge on others. We have our own reason 'why' this and that happened. So do I. I know people will ask me why and people will point their fingers to me one day. But why should I bother? Not them who going to be in my life. Not them who going to raise me up. Not them who going to feed me. In this modern world, being selfish is needed sometimes. 

I have found someone that can lead me to the goodness. That's what I wish since before. Being with someone that I can hope to, someone that can protect me, someone that can lead me. I have found someone that I really love so much. A better person. I never ask for more, enough with ordinary person. I know I did hurts few persons. But what can I do? I have my own reason of why. Love couldn't be force. Love bringing happiness not frustration. 

My wish, every day, every year, every moment, to be with someone that I love until forever. The right person. Not because I don't believe on God. This many years I've pray a lot. Yet I don't see any miracle happen. I stopped my prayer, and I just hope that miracle will come out by itself. I almost giving up on my life. 

Ex keep on begging like a barking dog

Times flies so fast. Now we're in September. 3 Months to go to end the year of 2012. Nothing much happened this year. New experienced taught me a lot; either for good or not. Felt like a fairytale. Everything past too fast. I think the world time changing faster. Do you? 

September, 

Be good to me...

Merdeka just passed. Nothing special happen on Merdeka Day. I stayed at home and reading my novels. But Merdeka not what my title explain it out. It's about my ex. Mean my Ex-boyfriend. He starting disturbing and begging me to be his 'toy' again. Oh please lahhhhh~~ Am I look like a stupid idiot person to you? Am I don't have a brain to think? You're expired ah dude. He have guts to do anything to get himself to me, in any way. Last few days ago, he add me in Facebook. Actually, he using his 'ex-wife' (as he mentioned) Facebook account and add me. Oh my.. he thought I will 'melted'. Come on.. I am not that easy to fall in love once again with someone that ever dumped me like a rubbish. 

In relationship, I want someone that really can except and appreciate me as how they love and appreciate their mother. Not as their 'entertainment' as they please. They know how to blame and how to push when they need what they want. Please lah.. I have enough with your dramas. It wont work on me.I graved my heart toward you. Adios psycho! 

Learn to respect yourself before you judging me! Don't like cakap tak serupa bikin. 

xoxo

August

August almost at the end. Few good things happen in this month. Since so long away from blog-ging, here I am posting few things happened in August.

Thou we're no more, its marked on my calendar. So I still remember the day of his birthday. Happy birthday to someone I've ever be with. Wish all the best to him. I know I did wrong to you. But thing happened with reason. 

Went to short holiday trips within domestic. Sibu was the great place for shop in Sarawak and Kuching the best place for relaxing holiday. Both places changed quite lot. I did my shop in Sibu (trip with family) and spent as much as I have. Hehe.. Well, I luv shopping!~ It's tiring journey as we drive to Sibu. Kuching trip was fun where I spent my holiday with few friends. We ate, shop, movie and more. It's about 10 years I never been to Kuching. The places changed a lot. 

Work as usual. Never changed. More often outstation for work purpose , nowadays. No rest for myself. New semester will start again this month.  My another holiday trip will be in next month until end year. Yes.. its a year of holidays~ Woo woo~~ 

Ok it kinda late now. Will update again in short while. 

xoxo

Short trip

Aloha..

Returned from short holiday with family. Tiredness! But had great fun. The journey took 5 hours driving and we reached at hotel at nite. It's my 2nd time went to Sibu. I was so hope that I will go there again and I did it without earlier plan. Well, I thought it just a plan that never will be. Brother felt unwell on the day we started our journey but he insisted to continue the trip. So I follow aje lah. 

Visited almost all the shopping complex and stuffs that I get from the city of nice foods, a shoes, 2 belts, 2 short pants and 2 tees. The place changed quite a lot since after my last visit 3 years ago. Stayed at the fabulous hotel was another shot of fun. Sleep until snoozed! Haha!! I just felt exhausted ok. My body felt ache. The journey made me so pain. Kempis burit! But thanks God, we arrived home safely. 

Alright, its time to take plenty sleep. Still need go for work tomorrow. Hope to go there once again~ 

Nite fellow~

xoxo

Tak bisa bersamamu lagi... Maafkan aku

Please mind your own business!

Life just once. Appreciate it while you still have chance. I just don’t get on certain people who love to bother about others life. Why would bother to judge others while you yourself aren’t perfect enough??

Thou my family treat me not as what I wanted to, but I do care about my family the most. I hate when people starting finding our mistake about everything. As I know, I never bother to know what they are up to about their own life. For me, that’s their own problem. Not mine. And I know, I have no right to interfere. My family, especially my mom, had enough patience when people mocked her behind. Mocked my family.

This whole life before dad gone, everyone did respect and kind toward us. But once after dad gone, everything changed. People starting mocking us from behind. Starting busy body to find our mistake. Why?? They judge us like we have no dignity no pride. What the different for being busy body person while all of you never look into yourself? Why don’t just let us with our own life? We do have our own privacy and we do need it in certain thing. I know that my mom did mistake once. But as they know who’s my mom as, they shouldn’t make thing more worse. She’s not educated person. But she’s trying so hard to make her life better, day to day.

Mind your own business!

xoxo

Be strong...

Received my blood result yesterday. Sigh! New episode began. I have to take care of my body, indeed. Eating habit caused few problem occurs. Red blood more than suppose. Problem with spine. Blood infection. Cholesterol high, etc. Doctor advice me to take more veges and less meat. I have too. I only have a month to monitor my healthy. Else I might have to go though another step of medication procedures. I hope I will be fine after taking all the meds for a month. I just afraid that I couldn’t go though all of this. What I must do is never miss all the medicines. One month. Be strong cutie. Be strong… don’t easy give up. Life just once, do enjoy and cheer it up. Hope I’ll be fine. J

No title

Been away for quite long. Didn't have time and I can say have not in the mood to blog thou I have a lot of things to blog here. Today I would like to write something that crossing in my mind. Hurm..Idea.

I've been sick leave for a week since last week. Faced chest pain badly and seriously back ache. I thought it just for awhile but its still painful until today. It's hurt when every time I swollen anything. Killing me softly. So far, seen 4 doctors (included heart specialist) but yet all of the doctors said the same thing, 'have no idea what's wrong'. Well, what say you? If even specialist couldn't check on my sickness. Weird but that's what I am going through now. Painful. I feel trauma to take any meals. I lost my weight immediately. I have problem with my sleep. Couldn't drink too. I am not strong enough to get rid of this sickness. It's seems to pull me down. Never feel like this before. Taking too much medicines make my memory getting lesser. I easy forgot anything. Wondering if the medicines making me lost in memory? Could be. That's what I feel now. I hope I can be like usual, normal. I want myself back, happy full of laugh. May God bless me. Amen

At the same time I am trying to stand up, some people just so free talking and making fun with my absence. I wish, whoever they are, will fall sick someday. Let them feel how it feel in dying. Nowadays, politic in workplace getting worse. Those auntie in the office, terasa terancam and trying to save themselves still in the same level. Halohaaa~ Kalo dah tua, tua lah tu..beri lah peluang to those yang still young. Geez. 

Just know about my previous semester exam result. Darn shit! How come I can get such pointer??!! I've tried harder to get better pointer and what I get so so very disappointed me. I don't want to talk about it. next time.

xoxo

Don't regret at the end of the day

Parents are precious. Appreciate them when they're still around. Love them no matter how bad they are. Care them as how they raised us until we able to stand by our own foots. 

A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone. I love both of my parents, thou dad gone for many years. Flash back for the past 5 years ago, we're so happy as a family. I am so lucky that I have completed family, have a father, a mother and brother. In year 2005, dad leave us forever and never come back. He passed away without saying good bye. It's totally hard time without he around. I felt I couldn't fly as my side of my wing hurt. But I know that I have to go on with my life. Without him, everything starting wrong. Me, mom and brother couldn't get a long. There always something that not happy to each other. I just couldn't get what they want and they wouldn't understand on what I want. 

Now mom found someone else in her life after almost 6 years dad gone. I don't stop her and wouldn't stop her. That's her life and I have no right to judge than giving support to her. She should find her own happiness. BUT, brother aren't happy with it. He thought with existing new family member just will bring disaster. And he have guts to assumed mom as a crazy person. I just couldn't believe on what he had said. What's wrong mom to have partner? Brother being so rash and fierce lately to mom or even to the family. He don't bother on what will happen to us when we in financial problem. We're not allowed to use his money. Mom not allowed to ask for some 'pocket money'. Why?? Isn't she is your MOTHER?? Jesus Christ! How would you said such words to your own mother. What she want is just a bless from her children. If really the man not suitable for her, its still can be discuss among us. Yes I feel awkward but slowly I will try to give a space for myself to see how is the person would be. We're just human being. Not a God. We can only plan but God decide our faith. 

Blaming mother is just a negative way of clinging to her still. A mother has, perhaps, the hardest earthly lot; and yet no mother worthy of the name ever gave herself thoroughly for her child who did not feel that, after all, she reaped what she had sown. Don't regret at the end of the day, brother. She's your mother. 

xoxo~ 

No manner!

Have you all face a family problem? Sibling who cursed you badly? I have a brother whom I care the most. Family mah..and I am kind heart person. :) For me, no matter how bad they are, they're still my family and I never hate them until I need to curse them. As we know cursing is not good to say. Believe in karma. 

Hidup hanya sementara. Tak hari ini, esok lusa pun boleh kena masalah. So jangan alpa dengan apa yang kalian dapat. Kerna apa yang kita perolehi hingga ke hari ini adalah rezeki yang tak semesti nya sama dengan apa orang lain dapat. Bersyukur lah dengan apa yang ada. You should thankful, instead being arrogant. How far you may go with your ego and arrogant attitude? Harta boleh bawa mati ker? 

Disappointed on what brother said today. But then I forgive him on what he did said. Life just once. I hope God would show his path so that he wont forget where he came from. Amen. 

xoxo

It's been long time ...

Hello hello buddies~ Rainy day for starter of the day. How's everyone? Feeling good? Or anyone in frustration zone? Hope you can cheers up yea..I have nothing to do right now, so I am free to blog. I'm suppose to attend the first aid training today but once I came in to the office, what I heard from my colleague that both of us was disqualified to attend. Ma de.. We should replace 2 of the other colleagues. But yea the decision still made by the lady boss. Well, I know that I tak layak mah..but heyy..we're the employee of the company what. Remember that, b***h! I am not going to die here le. Ok just not to talk about her in here. 

The battle will start next week, yet I hasn't ready my shield! Oh gosh! I have no confidence either I can do it for this time. But I do hope I can beat the battle smoothly. Never try never know rite? I am trying now..reading those creepy notes, berpanjang lebar.. and try to save it in my brain. Different people have different ways on how to memorize anything. Left few days for me to struggle. I am so stress and pimples pop up on my fine cheek. Huhu.. how to get rid the pimples?? I want my smooth and fine face! I want! Go away pimple! You make my face look so darn ugly! 

It's been long time didn't go for sport. It's because I have classes everyday and I do not have free time to do any sports. I only have time if I don't attend the classes. Went for jog and badminton this few days. Felt good sweated all over. Will often go for sport onward. Wanted go for swim. It's been long time ...

xoxo~ 

SMASH

SMASH series. It's new series in channel Diva. And I am truly obsess to the series. I would buy the Dvds if it sell right now. I want it! Anyone can get it for me?? Huhu.. I missed a lot of the episode. 

xoxo~

April Fool

Anyone fool by April Fool day? How you all fool them? My day kinda the same. Nothing change.. nothing special and nothing new. So boring. Other than working, assignment waiting to be done. I just don't understand this College. Their standard no difference than University. We need to do assignment for each subject and we have 5 days straight classes. Darn! My brain really need rest! Not only assignment, we need to do presentation too. We just part time student lah not full time student. Boleh sakit jiwa like this..

Other than working, I can become multipurpose person. Biasa tu.. Day by day my health not response good. My knees getting seriously pain and I couldn't kneel down suddenly. Back ache too. With granny condition, I need more alert about family's attention. Sleepless, restless, its normal for me now. I have to put aside my needs. Family still important for me because I doesn't want, someday, people might blame me for the mistake. 

I have new target. Planning to buy a new car, a Samsung Tab, SII, and a new laptop. But I know I need time to get those stuffs. Gaji tak seberapa ada hati nak beli banyak..tamak nyer.. 

Ok guys..got to stop here.. stay tune..It's bed time~ 

xoxo

Friday~

Hello hello hello~~ I’m back! Back home of cos. Taking half day leave today. And it’s cold day! Raining! Freezing!

Noodle just go on with his sleeping mode in cold day without any interruption from me. Ya spending my time with Noodle is the most happy moment. I have toy to play with mah every time I back home.. Noodle starting hyperactive now. Jump here and there, bite this and that. It’s the time for him to be naughty. I have my rotan standby whenever he so naughty mess up everything and will scold him. Sent him for last vaccine last week and his weight 4.1kg. Good sign. He’s growing healthy and getting chubby. My boy, Noodle~ Mummy luv u~

Bought a shoes just now, NIKE. Been desperate to own the shoes and finally I get it. Nahhh! Puas hati. My sickness coming again and that’s the most bad habit I should take serious. Shopaholic! Oh No!! I should save my $$ for my shopping trip in few months coming. I must! But I can’t get away my eyes from seeing those stuffs in shopping complex and can’t get off my butt from sitting in front of my laptop screen surfing online shop. Frustrated not to wear casual while working so I bought clothes for outing purpose. But I still can wear it next year, hope so. My closet any soon will vomit out. LOL.

Oh darn! I forgot one thing! Should stop at Pustaka and search for Business Law books for assignment information. Darn! How can I forget?? My brain seem weak and slow motion lately. Guess caused of not enough rest. The best part you should know, I didn’t attend classes for the whole week. Mom feeling unwell lately and need send her to see doctor every night to monitor hers ears condition. Infection as what doctor mentioned. Hope Mom will be fine after this. Spent few hundreds bucks.. but for the sake of my parent, and I do love her so I rather to lend hands. We couldn’t exchange our parents with money but I give my best for their health.

Btw, my department will be start by end of the month. Can’t wait for it. Wondering how will I handle the new task. Hope everything goes smooth. Cross finger! Not much staffs working today. Most of us taking leave included the So when the cat away, the mice will be the leader. J Too bad that I can’t join those staffs working today to play around. The cat away naik belon today. And she will be away for the whole week, next week. But no difference too, as the police is around. So sien! Like I care~ 

Last but not least, please don’t start that attitude once again and I do hate it. I don’t give a darn if it happen again this time. And I might say, SAYONARA! Tak suka boleh blahhhh!~~

That’s all for now on. Stay tune~

xoxo

Tiring day~

Taken leave for one day just to settle and do my things. Woke up so early and get ready myself and Noodle. Sent Noodle for first grooming after I adopted him. Grooming took 3 hours, at least. And I have to left her there until he done. Done with grooming, Noodle need go for vaccine injection. I was worried if he will get aggressive but I was wrong. He just guai guai when the veterinarian check on him. Such a good boy. Love him more~ 

I didn't get anything today as I've spent almost 300 bucks for Nod. Sigh. Not manage to get what I want. Didn't get my face toner, mascara, shoes and etc. I only manage to get myself a shoes. It's ok then, as long as Nod healthy and pass his vaccine so I can start saving again. 

Ok guys need to stop blogging here. Time for bed~~ Stay tune with me~ ^^ (mau survey online shop) hehe

xoxo

Tired!

Hot day! Still in February month, mean still in Valentine's month. Valentine passed and I bet any of you did celebrate it on your own way. Me? Nah.. Nothing special happen. Everyday is the same. 

Nothing special happen in month of February. I just came back from bowling tournament, sponsored by my company. At least, its free and we played for fun nia. It's been couples of years didn't play bowling and I can feel the pain of muscle. Sakit jari oh. Tired some more. Now I am seriously feeling sleepy. 

Oh my.. why the weather so darn killing hot?! I can't stand the heat. Just done with shower and I am sweating all over. Geez. Ok just short blog for today as my brain not functioning well. Letih ehhh... Stay tune guys~

xoxo

Valentine~

Looking at my calander.. few days to Valentine's Day. It's the time for those loving couple busy thinking and surveying what to do and what to give on Valentine Day. Thou, its just a day to remember the meaning of Valentine, most people do celebrate the day as grand and as simple as they wanted it to remember.

From my perspective, I don't really mind on how to celebrate the day as long as it will be different on every year. My Valentine this year have no difference. I always alone on Valentine's Day. I only will celebrate it when there's invitation to join. Valentine's Day doesn't need you have to celebrate only with your partner. Val's Day can be celebrate with your beloved family and friends too. Guess this year Valentine I don't get anything. Well, who doesn't like gifts? Everyone does. :) Wish to have this and that. But its better I get it by myself. At least, I can see what I own by my own $. Bangga dowh~~ at least tak cakap tinggi langit.

Oh ya.. mentioning about 'proud'. I heard news from some informer, our 'OKB' didn't active anymore in Facebook after she hantam someone last few months. Its better not to mention out the name. She quite familiar and famous about her arrogant style after she attached with 'ang mo' man. Well, guess she felt down at the end just because of hers stupidity. Do not simply act without reason, acting like you own the world by right you just an ordinary person with nothing. You should learn how to thanks to God for what you have currently, it's like having diamond on your hand palm lah minah .. But you didn't appreciate what you have yet you use your 'duit lebih seringgit' punya power and forget where did you came from to dish out anyone you thought they are more than you. Kamonnn... do look at yourself before you reached this level (hidup senang). Everyone deserve for better life and you must know one thing, they work hard for their own life. Yeah.. that's your husband and you have right to spend and use his money. But not until you tell the world that you are so powerful among others by using your husband's money. Shame!! If you work for it, then you should proud and people won't mind on how you gonna spend your money for. Now then what happening? Silent mode forever? Hurm. Manusia...lupa dari mana asal usul mereka setelah mengecapi kesenangan. Apakah kesenangan di bawa mati? Apakah wang ringgit boleh bayar tiket belon pergi syurga kah??

People, sometimes it out of control for being arrogant but do remember our manners in every where.. chaos~

xoxo

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Noodle ... the cutie

Welcoming new member in the family, Noodle. He is so adorable. So cute. Today's 2nd day Noodle around with us here in the house. He get use faster than I thought. Thou he do look bored. Why Noodle? Why not other name? For Chinese, foods name for pets is good. It's mean long life. Noodle is the perfect name and sound cute too. Now then I have 3 puppies, 2 doggies that I need to care. 24 hours aren't enough for me! I really hope that I do have more time with Noodle. That's because I need to train him. 

Nowadays since after college started, I have no time for other thing that I usual did. 8:00 am - 5.15 pm, the time I stick my ass on office's chair. After work, I continue my brain to attend night class. Will be home around 10 - 11pm late at night. So I only have about 1 - 2 hours to do my house work. Clean, clear, eat, assignment, etc. Sigh. Punya lah tired. Overall I can say, I don't have much time for myself! But then certain people wont be able to understand. It's an easy word to say 'understanding' but really 'understand' ain't easy task. 

Geez. Don't wanna continuing typing and bubbling. Will be continue next time when I really free and relax with my lappy and cookies. Here I post a picture of our new member in da house~ Noodle~~ 

xoxo

Year of Dragon!

Gong Xi Fatt Chai~ 

It's been awhile after my food poisoning disaster. I'm fine liao. Can start my food hunting again. ;) Now I am freely to sit and blogging in front of my the only lappy screen. 

Today 's Chinese New Year festival. Xin qin quai le~  I just visited only one house today. Have not in the mood to celebrate the day but in the mood to dress up myself with new outfit. Make up myself pretty pretty today. Took out my pretty heel too. I do look RED today! As today is Chinese New Year. May this dragon year bring me a lot of prosperity and good lucks and happiness~  Sad that no ang pow this year. Well, received huge ang pow earlier but finished it before end of the month. :( 

Did upload my day appearance for today in fb. Check it out~ 

Come back soon~

xoxo

Food Poisoning

Never expected myself will get food poisoning this serious. It's been 3 days. My 3 days aren't good enough to me as I can't barely away from toilet. Flash back on what I ate from caused me food poisoning, I have no idea what the caused actually as I ate not only one food in a day. Yea.. that's me. Never control my meals. But I absolutely it might caused from the bun I ate. Too oily and taste different from usually. 

I was ok yesterday but it attacking me once again at 2 am. Vomited and following poo until today. Went to General Hospital on the first day kena food poisoning. Guys, you wanna know what I've experienced on that time? Let me tell you here.. the counter MA (I guess so as they all wore the same uniform), asking me about what sickness I would refer to. So I've told them I might kena diarrhea. And I was been asked by such weird questions, 'Pakai apa datang tadi?' 'Sudah pergi klinik kah?' I was 'Huh?'. Of cos lah..I am sick and my mind definitely not as normal as usual. I am a bit slow thinking and only able to answer them as a nerd. But yea.. of cos lah I use transport to come over. Tak kan jalan kaki pula. And why they ask me such question 'sudah pergi klinik kah?' to me?? What the purpose of hospital if I can't go to the hospital? Such a lazy government workers! Just because you work with government sector doesn't mean you have to disobey your duty to public. We do pay for the taxes. Easy to say, I PAY FOR YOUR SALARY! No wonder they had a lot of complaints from outsider. 

Ok right after facing with non reliable person, I made and paid for my registration fee and wait for my name to be call. From 6.30 and done around 9. What a long hours to be done with the treatment. Well, should I blame them for their slow nail services? As I know, their rotate hour is at 9pm mah. At the end I get my injection to cure my vomiting. Head myself back to home and take rest for the night and went to work as usual on the next day. Today, I taking my mc for the first time in year 2012. If not because of food poisoning, I wont take mc more often and break my record being 'not so good' employee. Well, hopefully I will recover soon. So that I can eat what I want to eat as usual. Hehehe.. 

Alright dudes, need to stop here. Will continue updating my blog for the year of 2012. 

xoxo

Happy New Year 2012

Welcoming new year 2012 and good bye year of 2011. Was busy with own things until I have no time to blog on the first new year. Ok let's talk about new year countdown first. 31st Dec, new year eve, as usual, be mom's driver and accompany her n aunt to do shop and I spent half of my day with them. After that met my buddy Eng Eng for outing, suppose shopping but I don't feel wanna do shopping on that day. Spent our time in Parkson and I get nothing in hand. Back home with empty hand. I don't even see any nice clothes or nice stuffs to buy. My mind only to CR bags! Ok done with Eng Eng, I'm about rushing heading myself back home as I have another appointment with Teddy. Ya.. splitting my time into 3 programs.We had our new year eve dinner at Hotspot cafe and waiting for countdown at beach. Waiting for fireworks. 

January 2012

My plan ruined. (sound rude of me..sorry) Grandpa have to admit to general hospital after check up at other private hospital. And that the day we started busy by handling everything as mom need to assistance grandpa in the hospital. So its my duty to be babysitter the granny and the kids. I was busy until today. I even have no time for myself. I only can steal couple of hours just to get out myself from the situation. I wonder if people do understand my situation when I have to cancel my plans for the weekend. It's not like I did it in purpose. My family needs me more at the moment. I have to take off from work today as I need to switch off with brother to taking care of grandpa. I am not superwoman but to trying hard to do the best for everything around me. Especially, my family. No matter how they treat me, they're still my family. A family that need my support and that's my duty and responsibility that God's handover it to me. Things happened with reasons. I've lost my beloved father when I don't manage to be on his side. I didn't take care of him when he ever admitted to the hospital. I felt guilty until today. And that lessen me. I don't want the feeling of guilty and irresponsible hunting me once again.

Some people very hard to understand others. I wonder if they were in my situation and I do want to see how tired, painful, exhausted they are handling and facing all those matter. Don't regret after. I experienced it before. And no matter how I will try my best to handle things smoothly. I do hope anybody do understand my situation. If they wouldn't understand me, how could I respect them? Lu piker lah sendiri..

Need to stop here. My Christmas tree waiting for me to pack off it into boxes. Geez. Susah jadi perempuan! 

xoxo