Smash-The Love I Meant To Say

Too much controversy

Blood pressure too low! Yeah.. had my check up today and it's my 33+ weeks. And my baby weight about 2.3kg. Less than 2 months for my deliver newborn. I am getting more excited. But my excited in to get baby stuffs getting less and lesser. I have depression this few weeks, because of financial problem. 

I don't know where to start. Ok I just spit out what ever crossing on my mind. I spent few hundreds bucks just for today. Went for check up, then service my car, and shared with mom paid electric bill. That's not included what I ate today. I have high level desire to foods since my 7th months pregnancy. Doctor advice me twice since previous check up. Do control my sugar level and milk. I have to diet but not that type of diet we usually heard to slim down our body. But I couldn't control my desire to eat. When I'm thinking about foods, at the same time I am thinking about money. Of cause, I have too. Because I need money to have those things I crave for. No money no anything. 

I thought I wont have financial problem once I received hubby's pay. I am trying hard to 'jimat cermat' with what I have. I just afraid when the situation lack of money occur again. It damn difficult moment when you have financial problem. You can't have what ever you want without money. My hubby a kind of inconsiderate toward his wife and newborn child. He thought I don't mind if I have no much money in my saving. May be he thought I still have mother and brother at home who have fix income would help me whenever I need money. But he doesn't know everyone does need money no matter what, where and when. I am not the type yang suka berhutang. 

This problem keep bothering me until today. What worse is he doesn't have guts to explain to his family that we really need money for our newborn baby. He insisted to 'contribute' some money to his sister even thou I already mentioned many times that we have too many outstanding bills to pay. 

I just don't get, why so hard to reject or tell the truth about the financial flow. At least that can make them understand the situation. Nanti aku juga yang terpaksa perah otak cari tempat nak pinjam duit. He seems to blame me for insufficient money in the account after I told him that I've use few thousand. I've told him few months earlier about this finance plan. But he refused to listen and thought I might easy to cooperate when the time come. Well, I am considerate type of person but I might being selfish when I need to. I HAVE TO BE SELFISH. I need much saving this few months. Unless he doesn't care and love his own child. I am so disappointed on him. He seems doesn't care much on me and baby. I bearing his baby inside my womb. But he care more on his siblings who doesn't really need money at the moment. Me whom suppose need more saving for emergency fund have to surrender everything just for the sake of his family? No way! My child is my priority. Because I am the one who gonna taking care of my son. And of cause I want the best for my child. 

Oh my.. I should stop here. Talk also no use. I am super duper sleepy right now and hungry to.

*I still have my potato salad*

xoxo

Bubbling mode

You decor your life as how you want it be. I have a friend who always prejudice on how others handling their life. Anything that can be her story and start for the next step which is mocking and judging them. I wonder what in the world she is... She can simply judge and the most irritating is she can curse you badly; without you knowing it. 

We only can see but not to judge anyone. Yes I do judge anyone, sometimes. But not as bad as what my this friend always did. Sometimes, I cannot accept the way she think about others. Nak kata benci kat orang tak juga. Kawan juga dia. Dengki kot. We only can say about others unless we know the real story line. My life always brought controversy among anybody who knows me. I don't really mind what others talk about me, as for me, there is nothing perfect in this world. Neither you. I live the way I am, everyday. I am not a superstar that I need some attention. I am just a ordinary person who just want to live in peaceful. Sometimes I thought myself, why those people love to talk or mock about even just for a small thing. Do they ever look themselves on to the mirror and ask themselves if they have never done anything wrong? 

There's a family whom very envy on my family live - especially the leader of the house, the father. He wanna control everyone's life as he please. But of cause that's not the reason why he should judge us on what he want us to be. Furthermore, I am not his daughter, my mom not his wife too. So why should I obey on every single thing he want us to do. We know how to managing our own life. We never ask for money from you. We work for our own living. I don't need your 'rasuah' just to be your follower. Why would I? This is the 2nd time happened where both party had a huge argument. You spoiled your children not to keep in touch with us again. You are such a spoil and retarded person I've ever see. I know most of the story came from your 'holy' wife. Just because you afraid of your wife, you have guts to mock us without knowing what's behind the truth story. You influenced everyone not to close with us and well, you did it. I can say everyone on your side now. But I don't need any 'soldier' to be my follower as you did. I am a follower of my almighty God. I pray to Him, I believe on Him, I ask forgiveness from Him, I talk to Him about my problems. 

I forgave them for what they did to my family, especially to my mom. Mom was too kind and naive. But never thought they would destroyed mom's trustful toward them. I can forgave them but not to forget on what they did. Only God knows everything. Lord, forgive them for their sins. 

# Day 11, waiting my 'Durian' jatuh. Sigh! How long do I need to wait more? I can be patience but not the banks. Everything need to settle urgently. Duhhh! 

Penguji dalam pengidup

Today blogging gonna using my dialect in Iban. 

Randau sari tok ba ruang blog aku pasal utai ke nyadi ba sesetengah mensia ke enda nemu puas ati meda penyenang orang bukai. Tiap ari ktai ninga leka randau bala orang besebut utai ke manah serta utai ti jaik. Tang ke suah gik, utai ke jaik nyak meh ke deka ndar di sebut bala ktai sebelah orang bukai. Aku eran..cukup eran.. sida tok bisi ati deka besebut utai ke ngasuh orang belaya pangan diri tang sida ia empu enda nemu diri pengidup sida enda gak manah ni sampai ka besebut ke bala orang bukai. Nama hasil ari bejaik orang kin kiak?

Nyak meh pengawa bala kitai ke maya ari tok. Enda tau meda bala bukai idup senang bisi keresa mimit. Alu betusui kin kiak. Kada bisi merati ke pengidup diri enda orang baka tok neh... Ukai aku ka besebut penyaik orang, tang utai tok nyadi ba kami sebilik. Aku tau eran nama ke buah bala aku empu tau endar ringat serta kepapas meda pengidup kami sebilik. Keresa enda gak baka keresa orang ke bisi rumah besai, tanah berbelas gran, emas penuh kantung. Makai pan berlauk ke sadin gak. Enda meh kami tok kala minta duit minta tupi sida ya. Cukup eran aku meda mensia jenis baka tok keran amat ka ngelabuh ke kami sebilik. Nama meh penyalah kami sebilik sampai kami tok enggai di peda sida ya? 

Aya, ibuk, aki, inek, anang kelalu amat kitak berjaik kami sebilik tok. Kitai bisi Petara merati ke pengidup mensia siko2. Enggai ke 'tulah' nyak tau ninggang pengidup kitak. Ukai nyumpah tok aya, ibuk, aki, inek. Tang tok di kumbai orang 'KARMA'. Utai ke jaik tau nyadi ba kitai enti kitai bangat ka endar bejaik ke orang bukai. Ari bejaik ke orang bukai, manah gik mulut serta hati nyak minta pengampun ari Petara. Besampi ngampun ke dosa serta minta berkat ari Ia. Laban kitai mensia tok nama seput udah nadai, sigi tanah meh tuju kitai. Sigi pulai ngagai Petara baru. Nyak meh kitai anang kelalu berabis ati bejaik pangan diri. 

Nasib siko2 mensia enda sebaka. Bisi ke tusah diatu, bisi ke senang belama, bisi ke bulih keresa bejuta-juta, bisi ke meragai ngidup ke diri. Nyak semua Petara ke nusun pejalai pengidup kitai. Tang enti nadai usaha (munyi ko laut), utai sigi nadai nyadi keresa. Tok siti utai ka di sebut aku ditu. Idup nipu reta orang sigi enda tau di kerja ke kitai mensia. Uji ngasai ba diri empu enti diri empu kena tipu orang bukai serta kena penusah baka orang bukai. Sapa endur kitak bepalik? Aku enda munyi kitak bejaik kitak, anak, ucu, icit kitak bedau temu ulu ili. Baka nyak meh anak ucu icit aku ila. Nyak ke buah aku sigi enda ka bejaik orang baka munyi mulut serta hati kitak. Laban nangi ke 'karma'. Laban kitai mensia enda selama ya senang serta enda selama ya tusah. 

Aku bisi pengidup aku empu, aku enda ngacau pengidup orang bukai. Aku enda minta tupi orang bukai laban aku bisi laki nupi aku. Kami sebilik enda minta tupi orang luar laban kami sebilik bela betulung pangan diri. Jadi kitak ke enda puas hati enggau pengidup kami diatu, anang kelalu kepapas ka ngenyaik kami sebilik. Aku besampi ngagai Tuhan, ngampun ke penyalah kitak serta bsampi ngarap Tuhan meri penerang dalam pengidup kitak. Amen.

What's comes around will goes around.

xoxo