When all of those temptations will stop from hurting me?
I couldn't go more further with all of this sorrow. What I've gone through more than enough to face. Once done with one problem, there's still few problems occurs. Why? Why everything turn to be worst? Why God? Tell me. Let me know the sign from all of this. So that I wouldn't suffering in pain. I don't know how more longer I can tahan? One more day? One more week? One more month? One more year? Or one hundred more century?
Aren't life supposed to be wonderful and meaningful? I lost my beloved dad for the past 5 years. Seems like he just left me yesterday. I miss to have chit chat with him as what we always did. Listening to his moral stories, his life experienced, and knowledge that useful for me. He gave me wonderful taught about life. He was right, nice people will go earlier than others. And good people always receive more temptations than bad people. Daddy suffered too much until he couldn't hold tight his patience anymore. He stopped his beat by letting go himself and surrender himself to God. Dad, you gone too early yet I still hasn't get enough everything you taught me. How could I bring you back? I always thinking of you whenever I felt down, so down. I know you are watching me dad. I know you are beside me most of the time. Could you stop the temptations? I just want a simple life. Just a simple life...
After dad gone, things turn differently. Struggling hard for own living and be strong with unhappy marriage. First year marriage isn't as happy as I thought. For those who know how's my marriage gone through ever ask me why I want to be with him? Is that cos of love? The answer remain the same. Because I get nothing from lying right? Do people will give me reward if I lie them about my feeling? No. But it was my mistake married myself with someone like him. How it gone through, it just between me and God. I won't repeat the stories on and on again. Someone always questions me with the same things and there I have to repeat the same answers again. Why would I say the same thing again if that someone never wanted to believe? I accepted the temptation and finally we both put down everything and agreed to live separately.
Another sorrow came, when I finally get myself out from unhappy relation, he left me too. Left me because of Indonesian girl. Left me with no proper reason. He did gave me hope and promises, now I can make it real but he aren't beside me when I here. Although he mentioned he didn't put the blame on me, I live with thousand scenario, I can see and know how to differentiate. If he forgive, he would never tough about the same matter again. He left me right after what he had done. I never forget him and never erase him from my heart since the first day we declared as a couple, until today. I sacrificed myself for him this few years, my sincerity of my pride for him, my soul, my self. How will he 'pay' for that? Does $ or apologize would bring back my pride, my soul, my own self happiness? One thing he always blame me, I confuse with my own feeling. One thing, only one thing you must think properly LPK, if you were never sms him, I have my separately signed last 2 years. But for what you did, everything ruined. Just because of sms, my life become disaster. Have you ever notice where the exact mistake came? But then things happened. I stopped from revealed the truth.
Accept them as what they are. Family, what a meaningful name.. but how far family can do for you? How good family can be with you? Family against me until today and it will never stop until I die. Might be that's what they wanted the most. To see how I gone. A family whom suppose to support but aren't a family who are understand in every problems you have. Like what had happened today, mom and bro came to Eng's house. They have guts to look for Eng's house. I couldn't believe they have desire to find where I go. Why not they save the desire to look properly what I've gone through this many years instead insisting to find my mistake and pull down my life as they wanted it to be! I have my own life!! I don't need both of you to manage my life as what you want it to be! Let me breath freely and do let me manage my own life from onward. Stop controlling my life. I am no more little girl. I have enough with all of that mom. I have only you as my mother and brother as my sibling. Don't instigate brother hate/ dislikes me. You have only a daughter and a son. It's not hard to be more tolerate instead against me. Stop judging me for no reason and proof. I didn't go for man hunting as what you thought. I only love one person since before until today. I love only LPK. Don't equalize me with others. I am not as what you think. Although I'm single, doesn't mean I need to find any guy out there. My heart not a token machine. My heart just for one person; LPK.
I don't know when all of this will stop. I'm so tired to keep on reveal the truth about everything but no one of sincere to listen. Let God do his part in this matter. Don't make things be come the most regretful moment, someday. None of them will never really understand being someone like me. If I could make a miracle, I would like to show them what's the real feeling of me. Show to LPK how deep my love toward him. Show to mom and bro how much I love them. Show to those against me how nice, naive and kind I am to them. So that everyone would know what's appreciate means. Good people always left us faster than bad people. When life ended, people will start remembered all the goodness of the death. Why must remembered after gone? Why not try to appreciate when they still alive? I wanted to be with my daddy. Every time I talk about him or remember him, my tears starting to fall down. Because I know he feel the sadness of me at the same time. I know he cry when I cry. He happy when ever I feel happy. He feel calm when ever I feel the same. I can feel he just around me whenever I think of him. My life full of sadness that never will end happily. My family cursed me with those nasty words for unhappy life forever. How could they are. Who am I in their heart? A stranger? Evil? Am I supposed to be punish this way?
My chest feel pain again. My head starting killing me softly. My heart beat getting abnormal as usual. My brain getting exhausted day to day. As often, I forgiven them. I pray for their mind peaceful and blessing them; no matter how they treat me. May God bless them. Amen
xoxo
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