Still awaken at this time ... Assignment!! Seems I need to force my ball-eyes to stay late tonight although I eagerly wanted to sleep. But I have to finish my group assignment before presentation tomorrow. Sigh! I am so damn hungry but I don't feel wana chew anything. My mind kinda messy right now. Couldn't focus to my assignment that's why I end up blog-ging. I guess if professor did mention the assignment are free-article, mean chose any topic include about own life, I definitely will make the essays about myself. :) Idea please... I need submit the assignment tomorrow and now I still searching for my lost soul.
My stories is my stories. I prefer to kept it for myself. When I turn ages enough someday, I will re-flash back what had happened 10 or 20 years ago. But I don't please to think about my future anymore. Past given me lessons that no one can have it without gone through everything. I've been through all emotions; happy, sad, pain, sorrow, hurt, etc.
When there's no one care about you, no matter on which situation you are, you'll find something that you will put on to make yourself cheerful everyday. I smile everyday. Smile brighten my day. Do you know what's the meaning of my smile? It's fake! Just to cover my real emotion I have to pretend that I am happy in front of everybody. I have to pretend that I am strong in front of everyone but no one know the sorrow of my heart. If you follow up my blog since day 1, most of the entries are more to sadness stories. I am not happy.. and I don't remember when is the moment I felt happy. I kept my emotion by myself and that's caused me get more pain and hurt. I get used to hide my own problem from others and some friends whom did realized the meaning of the smile never stop giving me advice until they sometimes over react and scold me just because I still with my habit not to say out what's in my mind. It's not because I purposely hidden everything. But do anyone will please to listen? How far they will understand me? My own family, whom living together since I born, now then I almost 30s, yet they never wanted to understand me. But only know pointing their fingers to me. Am I that bad? Do I deserve for all of this? Aren't there no goodness at all about me since before? Questions by questions without answers.
I don't blame my family. I blame myself. I take their sins their mistake on me, I pray for them. I forgive them. There's no hateful toward them. How bad they are, they still my family. Still the one I love. I know someday I will granted for the most meaningful gift from God. Past is history, I appreciate the present. I ever lost someone I adorable and love the most. Once again I lost someone that I really love because of my own mistake. But then nothing I can do anymore, not because I didn't try, I did but I failed. When ever I'm in getting my achievement, I always fall down until I couldn't manage to achieve the goal. Might be it's written to be like this; not to have happiness forever even thou how hard I work for that. Too afraid to lost something isn't the good habit. It takes time for me to let the emotion of afraid get away from me. I've been like this for so many years le.. very hard to forget everything what and change it back to normal again. That's called depression. High depression only will make a person lost his/her mind and soul and less percentage for those who had depression from the past. I have only one reason why I still can tahan until today. Because of someone.. honeyboo. He's the reason why I still alive. When every time he ask me questions, I answer through my heart. Not because I don't know the answer. That's who I am.. I don't dare to say out anything to him, afraid that I tersalah cakap. Honestly, I afraid to lost him once again. I don't know what will I do if he really gone someday. Because he is a part of my life. It's more than like a twins.
I have no one ...
A home which a place where a family gather and love each other no longer peaceful. Everybody against me like I ever killed somebody. I am criminal to them. Where else I go after this? I feel myself standing alone in sand field. With no one around me, I keep on walking and walking and walking without direction until I get tired and exhausted.
He claim that he dream of Dad, if its true that's mean Lord listened to my prayer. I pray to let dad tell him that I love him and to let he know how pain I was when every time he left me alone within this few years. I've often see him in my dream. He was so calm and smile. I wish I can hold his hand and give him a hug and tell him how deep I miss him. And I would like to tell him how pity is my life right now without him beside me. I don't look for wealth, wealth is nothing to me. I know that I can't bring it together with me when I die in future. That's why there's Malay phrase said, setiap apa yang berlaku ada hikmah disebalik nya. I forgive them... xoxo
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