Just starter..

It was very much pain when someone you care and love wouldn't never be return. Many horrible things happened recently, yet people didn't take it as serious issues (as still a lot of people never ask for forgiveness). The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. But how many people can do it?

Daddy was my adorable person in my life. He gave me love, taught me about love, about life, about respectful. Respect others until I 'jumped' in to crocodile mouth and dead. Love suffered me a lot. Too much pain. I became aggressive and bad because of someone. Someone that ever let me know about love life. The person named Lau Puong Kai a.k.a Ah Kai. He gave me strength to go on with my life. He hold my hand whenever I feel afraid. He pull me up whenever I fallen down. He sweep off my tears whenever I cry. What would that feel when someone you love suddenly change drastic? Painful, and feel sorrow right? He even said that he changed cause of someone else. Indonesian aunty which is more older than me. Named Shanty Anisa, from Acheh and muslim. My honeyboo Ah Kai just innocent but he is stupid too. He couldn't differentiate between glass and diamond. He have gut to say I am annoying and pay more attention to that aunty. How it would happen? Of course blaming me for everything. What's comes around will goes around.

Now I ain't got nothing to scare of. Why? Because its nothing compare to how pain I am. Ah Kai, you made me like this and crushed all the promises. And easily said that I am wrong. This is just beginning and there will be more after this. You'll see it. I don't wish to be like this, I do believe God but because of human make me become like this. And the person is u, Lau Puong Kai.

Main course will come next...

xoxo

Pretty isn't a diamond but just transparents glasses

I couldn't believe and unexpected of a girl who I thought such a nice person wasn't what she is. She have guts to back stabbed me for no reason that I could know. How could she treat me that way? What I did wrong to her? I just zip my mouth at the first time I heard she mocked me in front other classmate. But until yesterday, I couldn't tahan with what she'd text my other classmate, Cimek, and mocking about me. What I understand, I never talk behind her to anyone. I just thought that she is a nice person and friendly type of person. I have my own life, I never disturb her life. Not a little to do something bad to her. She just know me less than a month and there she mocked me in front of Cimek. How far she know me? Do she know who I am? I pay for school fee, do I ask her to pay for me? I bought and paid for my own things, do I ask her to sponsor me? I pay for my own meals, do I ever ask her to belanja me? 

This girl really insane and crazy. She have gut to say I am not pretty but acting like one. And acting that I have plenty of money but I am aren't. Even compared my life with others. I wondering one thing, why she didn't compare my life with her life? What she have that I don't have? Tell me then. I am curious to know as she often saying that her bf much richer than me. I am not rich person le. Why must I debate with her about who is rich le? Aren't it sound stupid? What ever it is, I just forgive her. She might think too much that I will get more higher than her in everything. I know that she afraid when I wana call and talk to her last nite. She thought I tak berani?? I ain't got nothing to scare as I didn't make any mistake to her. When she found out that her bf's cousin call her bf, she get nervous and straight away scold Cimek about this matter. If she really innocent, why must scare le? I baru jer warned via sms. Belum lagi if I face to face. If not because of Cimek and Eng, I definitely attacked her house straight away. Now what she get? Did she win? She just pitiful person, she have brain but doesn't like one. Talking about her buat sakit hati jer. Today's class she didn't speak to me and shown her innocent face. Pretender!! 

xoxo

A pray for him...

Lord Jesus Christ, 

I ask today to forgive EVERYONE in my life. I know that You will give me the strength to forgive and I thank You that You love me more than I love myself and want my happiness more than I desire it for myself. 

Father, I forgive You for the times death as come into the family, hard times, or what I thought were punishments sent by You, and I become bitter and resentful toward You.

Most of all, Lord, I forgive my love one, Honeyboo~ 

for the lack of love, affection, consideration, support, attention, communication; for faults, failings, weaknesses and those other acts or words that hurt or disturb me. I forgiven him since so long Lord. Do bless him as how You blessed others. Forgive him and touch his heart to be more kind and care to me. I forgive him. No matter where he is right now, do bless and guide him, Lord. I'll never stop from praying for him. 

Thank You, Jesus, that I am being freed of the evil of unforgiveness. Let Your Holy Spirit fill me with light and let every dark area of my mind be enlightened. Amen.

xoxo

I am no longer be strong

Would tomorrow will be better? Will there will be tomorrow? 

I would like to tell everyone that I love them so much. And I know that wouldn't be. I couldn't bear anymore every temptations that comes to my life. Life supposed to be wonderful, with smile, laugh, happy and for sure joyful. I should stop wishing anything as it will never be there for me, everything. I never ask for more, never ask for return, never ask for sympathy. Why would everyone seems doesn't understand what my heart tell out? Why would it be so hard? 

Flash back for what had happened since many years ago. I afraid to look back as it gave me huge impact. Would I be tough as before? To go through everything once again? The answer is NO. I couldn't although I would, I've tried so hard for everything and its turn nothing to me. And here I am, alone. I've thought about everything thousand times. Getting weak and tired times to times and its almost till the end. I get much painful until no one could see it. It's ok.. doesn't it written to be like this? I am sorry for myself that I couldn't change everything as what I wanted it to be.

I am so painful until I don't even feel it anymore, until I don't know how it feel now. I couldn't keep on pretending to be happy around everyone but the truth is I don't. I should stop every emotions that I have now. Bury it under the ground. End everything with silent. So that everyone will understand how it feel being like this. I don't ask to be like this as I wanted to be happy for the rest of my life. Not being painful and suffering. 

A family that supposed give support but its aren't as what people thought. The relation that suppose to be wonderful, doesn't seems good. Somebody said, my life is considered better than other. How far that person know about my heart? Why couldn't the person see that? I couldn't tahan the tears anymore. It's killing me inside. And no one know!! What make me like this? Everything that I've been through. I no longer strong as before. I should leave. I missing my dad at this moment. How I can be there with him to tell everything that happened and happening. Dad, I cant tahan it anymore. I eagerly wanted to end everything. End it without anyone know that I am no longer exist. I only thought one way as I don't see any other way since before. Every teardrop are valuable and its brought thousand meaning. My life supposed to be wonderful and great with someone that I love so much until today but its pouring more painful than happy ending life. I couldn't pretending to cover how I feel. I hurt.. hurting so much until he couldn't see it through my eyes and through my heart. I am more worse than other people out there. I have no one. How everyone expect that I can be that strong to go through everything??!!!!!


xoxo

A piece of my heart

Still awaken at this time ... Assignment!! Seems I need to force my ball-eyes to stay late tonight although I eagerly wanted to sleep. But I have to finish my group assignment before presentation tomorrow. Sigh! I am so damn hungry but I don't feel wana chew anything. My mind kinda messy right now. Couldn't focus to my assignment that's why I end up blog-ging. I guess if professor did mention the assignment are free-article, mean chose any topic include about own life, I definitely will make the essays about myself. :) Idea please... I need submit the assignment tomorrow and now I still searching for my lost soul.

My stories is my stories. I prefer to kept it for myself. When I turn ages enough someday, I will re-flash back what had happened 10 or 20 years ago. But I don't please to think about my future anymore. Past given me lessons that no one can have it without gone through everything. I've been through all emotions; happy, sad, pain, sorrow, hurt, etc.

When there's no one care about you, no matter on which situation you are, you'll find something that you will put on to make yourself cheerful everyday. I smile everyday. Smile brighten my day. Do you know what's the meaning of my smile? It's fake! Just to cover my real emotion I have to pretend that I am happy in front of everybody. I have to pretend that I am strong in front of everyone but no one know the sorrow of my heart. If you follow up my blog since day 1, most of the entries are more to sadness stories. I am not happy.. and I don't remember when is the moment I felt happy. I kept my emotion by myself and that's caused me get more pain and hurt. I get used to hide my own problem from others and some friends whom did realized the meaning of the smile never stop giving me advice until they sometimes over react and scold me just because I still with my habit not to say out what's in my mind. It's not because I purposely hidden everything. But do anyone will please to listen? How far they will understand me? My own family, whom living together since I born, now then I almost 30s, yet they never wanted to understand me. But only know pointing their fingers to me. Am I that bad? Do I deserve for all of this? Aren't there no goodness at all about me since before? Questions by questions without answers. 

I don't blame my family. I blame myself. I take their sins their mistake on me, I pray for them. I forgive them. There's no hateful toward them. How bad they are, they still my family. Still the one I love. I know someday I will granted for the most meaningful gift from God. Past is history, I appreciate the present. I ever lost someone I adorable and love the most. Once again I lost someone that I really love because of my own mistake. But then nothing I can do anymore, not because I didn't try, I did but I failed. When ever I'm in getting my achievement, I always fall down until I couldn't manage to achieve the goal. Might be it's written to be like this; not to have happiness forever even thou how hard I work for that. Too afraid to lost something isn't the good habit. It takes time for me to let the emotion of afraid get away from me. I've been like this for so many years le.. very hard to forget everything what and change it back to normal again. That's called depression. High depression only will make a person lost his/her mind and soul and less percentage for those who had depression from the past. I have only one reason why I still can tahan until today. Because of someone.. honeyboo. He's the reason why I still alive. When every time he ask me questions, I answer through my heart. Not because I don't know the answer. That's who I am.. I don't dare to say out anything to him, afraid that I tersalah cakap. Honestly, I afraid to lost him once again. I don't know what will I do if he really gone someday. Because he is a part of my life. It's more than like a twins. 

I have no one ...

A home which a place where a family gather and love each other no longer peaceful. Everybody against me like I ever killed somebody. I am criminal to them. Where else I go after this? I feel myself standing alone in sand field. With no one around me, I keep on walking and walking and walking without direction until I get tired and exhausted. 

He claim that he dream of Dad, if its true that's mean Lord listened to my prayer. I pray to let dad tell him that I love him and to let he know how pain I was when every time he left me alone within this few years. I've often see him in my dream. He was so calm and smile. I wish I can hold his hand and give him a hug and tell him how deep I miss him. And I would like to tell him how pity is my life right now without him beside me. I don't look for wealth, wealth is nothing to me. I know that I can't bring it together with me when I die in future. That's why there's Malay phrase said, setiap apa yang berlaku ada hikmah disebalik nya. I forgive them... 

xoxo

1st Anniversary

1st year anniversary...

I should have post this entry last few days (3rd March). The 1st year of my service with my current company. Times passing so fast until I couldn't realized its been a year. Day by day end up with a lot of meaning and everyday end up with message that mostly we never notice. I've spent a year working there and a lot of things I've learned.

What I get from there? Knowledge definitely, love, happiness, joyful, family. I learned knowledge about my tasks. They are helpful and consent on me; to everyone too. Love, I love all of them as they are very kind. In other meaning, they are nice as long as you didn't stab their back. Happiness? For now on, my office is my happiness and joyful. How sad / sorrow I am.. my day will end up with smile. They always make me smile and laugh. They're my family although they are non-biological siblings and parents but they are my family so far. They laugh, cheers, sad and happy with me. Although sometimes there's some conflict between each other, but it will end just there without any revenge. I love them so much. It's how you forgive others. Forgive them with your heart. Then you will get granted by Lord. Although management not so good as my other colleagues, but its doesn't matter for me as long as I done my work on time. 

A year passed, I learned new things there. A year ago, I did not satisfied on my wage but then I still sticking myself there until today and its ain't wrong to have that much for wage. It's not because of how much I earning, it's because I am happy working there. I know God granted me such a nice place where I seated, with wonderful view from my window. I can view the skies every moment, everyday. I know when the weather so bright, hot and rain. Thank you, Lord. Such a wonderful gift you'd given. 

Over all, within a year, there's happiness and sadness as well. I appreciate all of it. Thanks once again Lord. Lord, do give me more happiness and smile, no more fake smile. I will be much happy with that. Simple life I wish.

xoxo

Setiap detik bersama mu adalah berharga & bererti buat ku (hingga saat terakhir nafas ku)

Mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku, hanya mengagumi tanpa dicintai. Tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia dengan hidupmu, dalam hidupmu. Telah lama ku pendam perasaan itu. Menunggu hatimu menyambut diriku. Tak mengapa bagiku cintaimu pun adalah bahagia untukku, bahagia untukku. 

Ku ingin kau tahu diriku di sini menanti dirimu, meski ku tunggu hingga hujung waktu ku. Dan berharap rasa ini akan abadi untuk selamanya. Dan izinkan aku memeluk diirmu kali ini saja untuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya bila saat saat akhir nafasku. Dan biarkan rasa ini bahagia untuk sekejap saja. kerna tiada yang tahu keperitan hidupku selama ini. Tomahan demi tomahan di lemparkan tanpa usul periksa hingga aku tidak dapat meneruskan hidup yang di kurniakan oleh Nya. Aku mengalah dalam kehidupan yang penuh dengan dugaan. Tanpa sedar keperitan dan kesedihan membawa pada kesakitan yang tanpa di undang. 

Maafkan daku sekalian kerna aku berdiam diri tanpa kata, memendam kesakitan seorang diri. Senyuman senantiasa terukir tapi tiada siapa yang mengetahui apa makna di sebalik senyuman itu. Senyuman yang punya makna tersirat yang kalian tidak fahami. Senyuman ini yang akan kalian rindui di masa yang akan datang. Jiwa ku kosong, tiada warna yang mewarnai jiwa ku. Bukan ini pinta ku untuk kehidupan ku. Aku hanya impikan kebahagiaan yang sempurna tidak mengira sekecil mana. Asal daku mengecapi erti sebenar kebahagiaan. Aku tidak meminta lebih dari kemampuan ku. Kita hanya hidup seketika di dunia nyata ini dan kita hanya menumpang... aku menghargai setiap saat dan setiap apa yang aku lalui; tidak mengira apa. 

Aku tidak kisah jika dirimu tidak mempercayai ku kerna aku tidak layak untuk meyakinkan dirimu. Jika aku di beri peluang sekali lagi, aku tidak akan mensiakan setiap detik bersamamu. Akan aku simpan dalam album hidupku. Kerna aku hidup dalam kenangan mu. Dan kerna kenangan mu aku masih bertahan hingga saat ini. Ingin sekali aku meyakinkan dirimu di atas apa yang terjadi pada hubungan kita tapi apakan daya ku. Dirimu tidak pernah mempercayai ku. Hanya dengan luahan sebegini yang dapat aku lakukan kerna aku takut untuk berkata di depan mu, takut diri mu fikir aku hanya mereka cerita. Ku huraikan segala nya di sini... 

Cinta ku ikhlas serta murni... tiada hasrat dengki. Kerna itu lah aku sebenarnya. Aku jatuh hati pada hatimu, bukan pada paras rupa mu, bukan harta mu ku pandang, bukan wang ringgit mu yang ku dambakan... tapi hatimu..kerna hatimu suci. Dari mula hingga kini aku hanya menyintai dan mengagumi hati mu. Hati mu berjaya memiliki hati kecil ini.. aku ikhlas...

Maafkan daku kerna aku hanyalah manusia biasa yang tak punya sesiapa.. Aku hanyalah manusia yang kerdil yang pasti melakukan setiap kesilapan setiap masa.. kerna aku hanyalah insan biasa..

Maafkan daku kerna aku melukai hati mu...

Maafkan daku kerna aku insan yang lemah...

Maafkan daku kerna aku bukan seperti yang kalian mahukan...

Maafkan daku kerna aku tidak tahu bagaimana harus aku berbohong.. aku lahir untuk tidak membohongi perasaan sebenar diri ku. 

Maafkan daku....

xoxo